The View from a Drawbridge

The random musings of a bridgetender with entirely too much time on her hands.

Recently I saw an interview with a psychologist. I wish I could remember her name so I could give her due credit, but after hearing what she had to say it was like someone had poured a bucket of ice water over me, so I hope I can be forgiven if her name escapes me.

She was discussing psychopathy. When most people imagine a psychopath, “serial killer” is what springs to mind. That’s not necessarily incorrect. The vast majority of serial killers are indeed psychopaths. But the concept that this psychologist put forth, the one that hit me like a very large brick, is that you can be a psychopath without being a killer. You don’t even have to be violent. She stated that 1 percent of the general population is psychopathic, and many of them are quite functional within society. In fact, in some ways having this disorder can set you up for a certain level of success. When a psychopath says “It’s not personal, it’s business,” he’s not kidding. Not even a little bit.

Please realize that I’m not a mental health professional, but from what I’m reading, psychopathy consists of several traits. The main indicators of this disorder are antisocial behavior, a lack of remorse, and poor self-control. If you want more details, I suggest you take the Levenson Self-Report Psychopathy Scale.

Psychopaths can be very charming, cunning and manipulative, and are often pathological liars. They demonstrate a shortage of empathy and fail to accept responsibility for their own actions. They are easily bored and often impulsive. They also have a hard time maintaining relationships, and can be sexually promiscuous. There’s a good chance you know a psychopath. I actually think I may know a couple of them.

That’s what gave me the chills. When this mental health professional was discussing the various traits of a psychopath, I immediately thought of someone whom I had considered to be my best friend for over 20 years. I still have fond memories of her, frankly, but there were always these strange little red flags that I ignored for as long as I could, until one day I was overwhelmed by the enormity of, well, her brand of reality, I suppose. None of these things, individually, scream certifiable nutcase, mind you, but when you add them all up, the picture painted is not a pretty one.

  • One time we were talking on the phone and I hit my head on something and began bleeding profusely. I mentioned that fact and she didn’t even pause in her conversation. She didn’t ask if I was all right. It was as if it hadn’t happened. I even remember asking if she cared, and she laughed it off.
  • As long as I knew her, she never had pets, and absolutely hated mine.
  • She would do impulsive things like buy plane tickets on a day’s notice even though she couldn’t afford them.
  • None of her relationships ever lasted, and THEY were always the crazy ones, according to her. It sort of became a running joke between us. I used to tell her she needed to figure out why she was attracted to lunatics.
  • Long after she broke up with people she would insert herself into their lives again, often creating a great deal of havoc and confusion. It kind of reminded me of a cat batting a mouse around until it finally died.
  • She treated waitresses and shop clerks like they were garbage.
  • She used to see a therapist, but she delighted in lying to her. That seemed counterproductive to me at the time, but now it makes sense.
  • At one point she worked in Washington DC, and said she liked it there because all people cared about was the pursuit of power.
  • When we were in college together there was one class that I was struggling with. She had taken the class already, so she helped me study for the mid term. Thanks to her help, I got an A on it. She promised me she’d help me study for the final, and I was counting on it. We discussed it often. At the last minute she said she didn’t feel like coming over. I did so poorly on the final that I got a C for the semester. I had a 4.0 grade point average up until that point. What struck me about that situation was that she didn’t even feel the need to make up an excuse. She didn’t feel like it, and that was that. And she felt no remorse about it, even when I told her how much it hurt me.
  • She once told me about a time when she and one of her boyfriends played Russian roulette. They took turns holding the gun to each other’s head and pulling the trigger, because, she said, they “wanted to see what it would feel like.” Seriously, who does that?
  • One time she came to visit me and we had a full day planned. About half way through I told her I wasn’t feeling well. (It turned out to be heat exhaustion.) But she insisted that we keep going, and I did until I turned purple and started vomiting. Again, she acted as if nothing at all had happened. In fact, she took a picture of me all bloated and in tears. It was weird.
  • Toward the end of our friendship, she admitted to me that when she was younger she used to beat her little sister with a metal hanger. Just because she could. That horrified me.
  • She would sometimes get “interested” in things to an extreme degree. Like religion. But it always seemed forced, like she was trying on various masks to see which one would make her more acceptable to society.

The final straw, though, was when I was planning a trip to her side of the country, and told her I’d like to stay with her for a day or two while I was there. I thought she’d be as excited as I always was when she came to visit me. But she said I couldn’t stay with her because she wouldn’t trust me in her house. After 23 years. Suddenly I had a rare moment of clarity. When we would see each other, it was always her coming to me. I thought it was simply because she always earned much more money than I did. But all along it was a trust issue and I had never realized it. That, combined with all of the above, was the death knell of our friendship. I was done.

It took me a long time to get over the fact that I had been an utter fool for so many years. Why was I ever friends with her in the first place? Good question. I must say there were just as many good times as there were bad. She has that psychopathic charm, for sure. And when you couple that with my amazing ability to overlook things that I would rather not see, and my intense desire to think the best of people whether they deserve it or not, you get rather a toxic cocktail.

I had finally gotten past the point where I was licking my wounds on a daily basis when suddenly one day I received a letter from her. In it was a ticket to hear her be the keynote speaker at the graduation ceremony at our alma mater. I was, frankly, stunned. But then I realized that that was her pattern: she was attempting to insert herself back into my life after causing me so much pain. But this was one mouse that that cat was not going to play with anymore. I didn’t go, and I sent her an e-mail after the fact explaining exactly why not, and telling her that if she had even the slightest regard for me she would never make contact again.

It’s been 5 years and so far she has respected my wishes. But every once in a while I think about her out there, uncaring, unfeeling, and completely devoid of compassion and the hair on the back of my neck stands straight up.

And what’s even scarier is that I can think of a few other people in my life who show symptoms of this disorder, albeit to a lesser degree. I have a relative who delights in discovering a person’s weakness, saving that information until such time as that person is in a moment of conflict with her, and then when you least expect it, she uses that weakness to eviscerate you verbally. Many’s the time when I’ve looked down to see my emotional entrails scattered about her feet, and looked back up to see a look of triumph in her eyes.

And then there’s the coworker who just walked in the door as I was typing this who…oh lord, I can’t think about it. My goose bumps might arouse his killer instinct.

Once you start looking at people through the lens of potential psychopathy, you begin to feel as if you sometimes have to whistle your way past a junkyard dog.


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32 thoughts on “My Friend the Psychopath

  1. Carole Lewis says:

    This pain runs so deep. Even more so when a beloved family member is afflicted.

    1. Even worse because the afflicted person is psychologically incapable of caring that you’re in pain.

  2. Brucie says:

    Must be a learnt trait, sparing the killing part, summed up in dog eat dog, belittling people with a spoonful of honey and confusing them with prose like having it but the inability to eat ~unsaid~ cake/ I come from a family of very stupid psycho’s,,,wannabe sociopath’s/ Trouble is you have to be smart to lie, or at least a good memory. Cant choose your family but you can choose your friends. Sorry you had to waste such a big part of your life believing, but now you have a template at least. Usually full of charm and going *bling* at all angles, she came to you I guess because worst thing is to have other people with their own beliefs, interjecting yours. Two faces cant hide around people they claim to know. I read today, betrayal hurts most from those you know and it is ~just life~ coming from stranger’s (something like that worked into the bull I just wrote lol) I have a lot of the “symptoms” you listed, but I dont relish in the pain of others…must be a learnt trait

    1. I guess we’ll never know what combination of nature and nurture and just plain bad luck makes one man take one path, and another veer ever so slightly to a more cruel and heartless one. It is good to have a template, as you said. All lessons are valuable.

  3. KerikM says:

    You might work on coming up with ways to head off that relative of yours…maybe just avoid her, or find a way to counterattack. I don’t know for sure but I sure don’t like the sound of it. And that co-worker you mention–is this the same one mentioned in “Not made of glass?”
    Trust your instincts.

    1. The relative has since passed away. And no, it’s a different coworker entirely. Bridgetenders are an odd breed. 🙂

  4. Liz says:

    In recent years they’ve done brain scans on sociopaths/psychopaths and can see actual structural differences in their brains. They’ve also used fMRI’s to see that their brains literally respond differently to situations which would invoke empathy in average people. So, your friend not reacting to your pain is very consistent with that. She felt nothing, which when you think about it, is different (better?) than a person who can feel, but is indifferent to your pain. I think sociopathy exists on a continuum and affects more people than we realize. Your former friend does seem to be an extreme example.

    One unnerving thing I’ve read recently is that women who receive botox injections experience a reduction in empathy because the mirror neurons are unable to recreate the micro-expressions in their faces that help them to experience the emotions that others are feeling. I know that’s different than sociopathy – but how do we really know where it could lead or what could trigger it?There’s lots of reasons I wouldn’t get botox – but that one’s a really strong one. I wouldn’t want to lose my ability to feel compassion for others.

    1. I wouldn’t want to lose that either. I wouldn’t be able to write anymore. I’ve written about psychopathy a few times. It fascinates me because I can’t relate to it at all.

      1. Liz says:

        It is fascinating. And scary. Especially because so many of them end up in positions of power – political leaders, CEOs, and of course, friends, family, and romantic partners.

  5. S says:

    Like the author of this, I always try to see the good in people.

    I’ve recently made a friend who is a diagnosed psychopath. He also has several other diagnoses, including multiple personality disorder. One of those personalities took control of him to clue me in on things I don’t usually hear. Today, that person spoke to me for nearly an hour about how he wouldn’t hesitate to kill. He thinks of killing someone on a daily basis. Also, he spoke in detail to say how he’d go about it and what he enjoys (from watching videos of it online). For example, um, the sound a person makes when they’ve been stabbed in the throat. He likes watching the life go out of them and their struggle to speak. He said he can kill anyone who gets in his way or “fucks up” (even an elderly person), and that he craves what he’s never had: Power.

    Despite the fact that he may actually become a serial killer someday, I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and overlook the disturbing details of it all. Why? Because I believe his experiences in life have caused this disorder, and I want to be the one to stand by his side and be a true friend. He’s said that he was raped for 9 years, was bullied by peers, continues to be verbally abused by his family, and is pretty much fucked over by everyone he meets. He’s been to multiple therapists, and they all say they can’t help him – they don’t know how to help him. Having been told that same thing before, I understand how difficult it is to seek genuine support and find the good in people.

    A person can only take so much of it all before their heart blackens and they snap… So, if I can, I will continue to be friends with this person and be his shoulder to lean on. He needs that. At the end of a long discussion today, his alternate personality said he’s never had a true friend and thanked me for being there for him.

    As I said in the beginning of this comment, I always try to see the good in people. I look for truth and sincerity where there may never be any. When this friend tells me something, I believe it, for he doesn’t have much reason to lie to me at all. Psychopaths are brilliant at manipulating others, and talking to him poses a great threat for if I ever “fuck up,” as he put it, but he is a human being at the core who feels more anger and despair than he should have ever had to. He deserves the same level of decency and respect that other people receive daily.

    If anyone is concerned by the fact that I’m friends with a psychopath, I should say that our communication is only online. I know his full name and appearance, while all he knows is my first name. Knowing his name opens up his YouTube channel, Facebook, and other things. So… What can he do? His father hacks computers for a living and has taught him how to do it, but um… I trust him. I do. Since our communication is only online, he’s more likely to be truthful about things, and he knows I can be trusted. All in all, being his friend isn’t so bad, and backing out now/blocking/unfriending him would be taken very personally and result in consequences. Things are going well, so I’ll keep it that way.

    Being friend with someone who is a psychopath poses a huge threat, especially if you’re mentally unstable and expecting the same level of support that is given to this person, or vulnerable to manipulation, but I am willing to give it a shot. After all, people learn empathy and compassion through personal experiences. If one has never learned it, how can they be expected to be caring and empathetic? Perhaps I can prove to him that kindness and genuine friendship exists in this world. It’s the least I can do.

    1. Hi S. I’m not a professional, but based on my own experience, my suggestions would be: Realize sooner, rather than later, 1)that you can’t fix a psychopath, 2)that nothing good will come from this relationship for you, and 3) the sooner you get out of this relationship, the less information he will have on you that he could potentially use against you. It’s not a game, and your good intentions won’t keep you safe. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck. I hope you’ll get the advice of a professional.

    2. James says:

      “backing out now/blocking/unfriending him would be taken very personally and result in consequences. Things are going well, so I’ll keep it that way.” Sounds like you were in over your head. A year on, I wonder what happened?

      1. I’m curious about that, too.

      2. S says:

        I blocked him a few months back. We were slowly speaking less and less, so I waited for a time when he’d be too busy with his own life to care. Weeks before blocking, I kept saying things like, “I don’t feel like talking right now,” and shutting down any conversation so he’d lose interest in talking to me. I learned from him talking about past friendships that this was how to get rid of him. Once a psychopath loses interest, they move on quicker and don’t cause problems. I bored him so badly that he didn’t object to being unfriended and blocked. Something like that.

      3. James says:

        Nice work! You used the information he gave you as your way out. Gotta admire that.

      4. Well done! Just be careful, because some of these types like to pop back up unexpectedly, years later, just to mess with your head. So have a plan.

      5. James says:

        VFAD: You’re not wrong. I’m curious, did the woman you stopped being friends with ever pop up again in the 5 years since you wrote this article?

      6. Actually, no. I’d seen her do it to many others, though, so when the friendship ended, I told her not to ever do that to me, and so far she has respected that.

      7. James says:

        Here’s the thing – I think she valued your friendship and respected your wishes, perhaps more than you give her credit for (?), but certainly more than she valued the friendship / wishes of the other people you mention. Or maybe she was upset by the fact you broke off a long-term friendship based on ‘what’ she *is* rather than what she had *done*. Unless there is stuff you haven’t mentioned in the article, it seems to me that she never actually did anything to hurt you either physically or emotionally (anyone is capable of letting you down by not showing up to help you study at a critical moment – that’s shitty and careless, but it’s not psychopathic) and actually presumably enjoyed a lot of the time she spent with you. Your article suggests you rejected her friendship based on a condition she was born with and can’t help having – even though, despite this condition, and despite an indifference to you head injury / purple vomiting, she managed to avoid causing you harm and indeed by your own admission was fun to be around more often than not.

        I am just asking questions here, and you can tell me why I’m wrong or just not respond if you wish, because I am only giving my interpretation of the facts you have presented in your article – I obviously don’t know the whole story. On the other hand, if she had ever done something heinously horrible to you, I imagine you would have written about it here, hence my assumption above.

        Have you ever thought about what she gained from your friendship? Psychopaths are selfish, and most of their relationships are characterised by exploitation (using you to get something they want or need); have you ever asked yourself what your friend was after from you? Were you generous with cash, did you provide somewhere to stay in a place she needed to be frequently, did you perhaps give her bridge toll discounts? 😉 Was it ever obvious? If there was nothing of that nature, the obvious conclusion – to me at least – is she enjoyed your company.

      8. You’ve definitely given me a lot to think about. I think what I gave her was an image of normalcy. And yes, a place to stay during her frequent visits to Florida. But what got to me, the most, was how I could completely open my heart for years and still not be trusted enough to be in her home. And also realizing how indifferent she was to other people’s pain. That was chilling.
        I hope you’re not saying that if someone is acting psychopathic to others, but not to you, you should look the other way and remain friends…

      9. James says:

        I’m glad to provoke thoughts, it’s such a cool way of interacting with someone. Thanks for having an open mind, and also for providing interesting answers to my questions 🙂 What do you think of my suggestion your friend probably enjoyed you as a person?

        What I’m saying is a psychopath can’t help being who (s)he is. The indifference is not a choice, it’s a fact of biology, which cannot be overcome.

        Think of it like blindness – no matter how much you explain what the sky or the trees look like to someone who has always been blind, they’re not going to get it. They will, in all likelihood, be able to describe how objects look “Oh the sky is either blue, grey or black, depending on what the weather is like and how light it is. You can often see a bright orange ball called the sun, wispy cotton buds called clouds, twinkling jewel-lights called stars…”, just like a psychopath can do a convincing impression of emotions that he doesn’t personally feel or, having read about them in literature, describe how they feel. But without incredibly complex surgery that is just now in its infancy, blind people will never truly *know* what the sky looks like. Without medical treatment that is currently science fiction and may not even be possible, a psychopath will never know what it means to care about someone else.

        IMHO, that should be understood, accepted and taken into account, especially if the psychopath shows willing to behave and act as if he cares about people who mean nothing. Psychopaths are relatively common and are not going anywhere anytime soon, so it really in society’s interest to understand and get along.

        Can I also make the point that it is difficult to trust if you are unable to form deep, lasting bonds.

        As for your final point, that’s a personal choice that people should make for themselves. It’s not really a “should” or “should not” issue. You made your choice; others may choose differently. And plus it’s not a choice I’ll ever have to make, so it’s not my place to say what should be done.

      10. For years I thought she did enjoy me as a person. To me, that’s the definition of friendship. But it was all an illusion. I think she wanted to have that image. I think it fit her agenda, whatever that was. But I’m now pretty sure that she’d gladly have left me in a burning building if it meant making it easier for her to get out herself.
        I can understand getting along if the psychopath in your life is your boss or, unfortunately, your president. But my advice would be not to waste energy on psychopathic “friends”. While it may not be their fault, while they may not be able to help it, in the end, you’re the one who gets stuck in the burning building. Self care is paramount.

      11. James says:

        Well, I certainly won’t argue against always putting yourself first.

      12. James says:

        Cute advice!

  6. Beth says:

    I can so identify with this! She’s been my best friend for 15 years and the worst part is she was with me as I endured going through a sociopathic intimate relationship with a BF of 4yrs! As I learned all about it she was right there! Then we both met this guy at the same time as soon as he showed us what type of cars he drove it was like somebody flipped the switch she was all over him like white on rice and she had just broken up with another guy the week before! my brother had a crush on her for a long time and I told him never to get involved with her but then it happened she was cheating on this friend that we met she had been in a relationship with him for about a year and then she was cheating on him with my brother! I knew she was going to lie and cheat and use my brother for whatever she can get from him money doing things for her fixing things! I threatened her I threatened to expose her if she didn’t break it off with one or both of them! She slowly started to back away from me cuz she knew that I knew who she was but dragging my family into it was just too much sociopaths will destroy anybody in their path it’s sad because I’m such good friends with her children and her children are friends with my children and it makes it all so difficult

    1. It’s not easy to remember this when you’re a loving human being, but try to never forget that she is not your friend. She never was. She isn’t capable of it. Having her children in the mix does add another layer of complication, but remember to be self protective above all else. Because she does not have your best interests at heart. Think of her as a lizard.

  7. All Flat says:

    I know this girl that works at Uni.
    After her arrival from another country, first she cheated on her boyfriend in secret, torturing the new guy for months, saying that it was his fault if her ex was suffering! When she finally left the boyfriend, she told her family that he wanted her money and cheated on her.
    And when the new guy (after many months of miserable life) understood how horrible she was and cut the relation, she went crying around, seeking all the attention as if she was the poor victim, while having sex with a lot of guys!
    I suspect she even said that he was a violent person.
    (note here: she cried that she has been left alone, she accused him of being violent, and still she both wanted him back and had sex with a great number of guys at the same time. There is no real logic, but most people don’t understand that, because every day she has a new drama that confuses the focus).

    Now at uni she has a circle of “friends” that I believe are scared of her and only talk with persons that she likes. She controls all of them while still having bad influence on that poor guy’s life.
    She is a monster and she has done all the things that you said. She hates jewis, she was a bully at school, she leaves her personal stuff in other’s people houses to have an excuse to interfere with their life. She fakes illness to get rid of people or have their attention. She manipulated everything. It’s incredible how bad she is. And it seems that nobody really understand how horrible she is.

    I understood her only when I spoke to a friend who’s a professional psychologist and she told me she may have been a psychopath. Once she told me that, all the pieces came together!
    I only wrote few things but the things that she said and did are hard to believe.

    1. They are out there, walking among us. I hope you are free of her influence. She sounds dangerous.

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