The View from a Drawbridge

Everyone has heard of Fair Weather Friends—those friends who are more than happy to be in your life when all is well, but when the stuff hits the fan, they’re nowhere to be found. Nothing like a stormy sea to make the scales fall from your eyes regarding that type of person.

But I’ve also come to realize that there’s such a thing as Foul Weather Friends as well.

Case in point, my friend B. We had a lot of wonderful times together, and I saw her through some fairly horrible stuff, too: Her miscarriage, and the time her husband beat her black and blue. But then one day I told her I had finally found my religion of choice, and it was like I flipped some sort of switch. She abruptly stated that she could no longer be my friend.

Why? Well, it turns out that through all our years of good times and bad, she really only saw me as someone she could convert to her charismatic religion. She saw me as someone she could save. And once I had sailed into a different spiritual port, once I had found some peace that wasn’t secular, she viewed me as a lost cause, and we never spoke again. It’s ironic, because we never really talked that often about religion in any meaningful way. But she needed me to be a little lamb lost in the woods, I suppose, and once I could no longer fill that role, I outlived my usefulness.

I also had a very short-lived romance in which my Romeo of choice quickly lost interest when he discovered I was no shrinking violet who would gaze up at him adoringly and wait for him to tell me what to think. I was entirely too stable and confident to fit into his world, but he quickly found someone who was clingy and fragile enough for his tastes, so I suppose he lived happily ever after. I, on the other hand, felt that I had dodged a bullet.

Other people have a strong desire to feel needed to the point where they surround themselves with people who are needy. Once a needy person learns to stand on his or her own two feet in this type of dynamic they, ironically, are no longer needed.

But perhaps the most toxic of Foul Weather Friends is the type who goes out of his or her way to create drama, isolation and/or instability in your life to create an artificial form of dependency. Abusive spouses will often do that. They will isolate you from your family, and say things like, “You’re too stupid to make it on your own.” All this so that you won’t leave.

Every once in a while it’s valuable to evaluate your friendships. Ask yourself if they are bringing positivity and encouragement into your life, or drama and codependency. Ask yourself what role you play in their lives. Are you simply there to massage their egos? If so, then run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

[Image credit: borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com]