Wounding your Children with Words

Let me get this out of the way right up front: Yes, I’m one of those obnoxious people who have no children of my own and yet still form opinions on how to parent.

I cannot imagine what it must feel like, the sheer exhaustion, the raw nerves, the utter frustration that children can foster deep within you, but parents, you chose to take on this lifelong task, and you have someone’s soul, their very spirit, in your hands. What an overwhelmingly important responsibility that is.

At a time when children are developing the self-confidence, or lack thereof, that they will carry with them throughout their lives, the very last thing they need is to hear cruel words from you, no matter how many of your buttons they have pushed.

And yet, on several occasions, I have heard the most stunning words come out of adults’ mouths in front of their children, words that, as an grown up, have rendered me speechless.

I once went to a concert with a friend and her two children. The 13 year old daughter wanted something to drink, and her mom gave her the money to go get something, but she froze in obvious fear. Mom snatched the money back, handed it to her 17 year old son and said, “Go get it for her. You know she’s absolutely useless.” My jaw dropped to the ground. Absolutely useless.

After carrying her 4 year old, who was in the midst of a full-blown tantrum, up to bed, and having absolutely no success in quieting her down, another woman I know stood at the top of the stairs and shouted down to me, “She is such a b**ch! I hate her!” Sounds like the kid had reason to cry.

And another old college friend introduced her two daughters to me. “This is Mary. She’s the sweet one. And this is Susan, the bane of my existence.” You could practically see the lacerations forming on that girl’s heart.

In situations like that I never say anything, because drawing attention to it, I feel, will only further mortify the child and burn the incident into his or her memory. But whenever I bear witness to the cruel words of a parent, a little part of me dies inside for the child.

I never realized as a child that parents could genuinely dislike their kids. I never heard anyone say as much until I was an adult, and it was a stunning revelation to me. It kind of rocked my very foundation, to be honest.

In all fairness, since then I have seen some pretty horrific behavior coming from children. They can rip out your heart and stomp all over it. I’ve observed it. It’s one of the reasons I chose to be child free. I can imagine that people will think of saying any number of awful things to kids.

But here’s the difference. You’re the adult. They’re the children. It is your responsibility to take the high road, no matter how badly you want to wallow in the lowest part of the swamp and mud wrestle them into submission.

Parents should have to take the same oath that doctors do. “First, do no harm.”

[image credit: reasontostand.org]

Author: The View from a Drawbridge

I have been a bridgetender since 2001, and gives me plenty of time to think and observe the world. View all posts by The View from a Drawbridge