The View from a Drawbridge

For the past 6 months I’ve had a lobster craving that is practically driving me out of my mind. And the sad part is that I’ll just have to live with that, because mine is not a lobster existence. On my budget, even fake crab is a luxury that I rarely get to indulge. Knowing that, why can’t I let this craving go? Is it some weird vitamin deficiency, or do I just enjoy torturing myself? Do I get some vicarious thrill from experiencing a state of continual frustration? What’s the point of longing for something that I cannot have?

But that’s the definition of mourning, too, isn’t it? I’m craving my boyfriend Chuck. I want his body heat, the feel of his leg over the small of my back, even the sound of his snoring. I want him to call me his bunny again. I want his quirky sense of humor and his ability to make me feel beautiful and sexy like no one else could. I want the phenomenal sex. I want to feel like someone is on my side. I want to feel special and cared for and safe. And my God, I soooo don’t feel that way right now.

The thing is, I suspect that even if some heaven-sent all you can eat lobster restaurant opened its doors to me, I wouldn’t walk away feeling satisfied and sated. I suspect the experience would fall short of what I’m yearning for.

And so it is with Chuck as well. Our relationship was far from perfect. He shouted at me a lot. Our politics were diametrically opposed. He brought a great deal of stress and anxiety into my life. We broke up all the time, and when we did, it often felt like a huge relief when he’d walk away.

Caring for someone who is perpetually ill can be draining. Loving someone who isn’t psychologically all there half the time can be frustrating in the extreme. Knowing that you’re not going to live happily ever after, no matter how badly you want to, can be heartbreaking.

I don’t miss Chuck. I miss the lobster version of Chuck. And that’s something I cannot have, and never did have. On an intellectual level I know this. But that doesn’t seem to make me stop longing for him, and that makes me feel so tired that it’s all I can do right now to put one foot in front of the other.

I’d even take lobster bisque at this point.

[Image credit: awesomebites.com]