I had the most distressing phone conversation the other day. I try to call my favorite aunt, who is 85 years old and lives in Connecticut, about once every two weeks. Her health is not good. She’s in constant pain, but she has a killer sense of humor and her mind is sharp as a tack. She’s about the same age as my mother would have been if she had survived past her 60’s, so that means she has a special place in my heart for that reason as well.
I was expecting our usual chat. Cracking jokes, complaining about aches and pains, feisty gossip that for some reason she feels she can only share with me. Not this time. Maybe she was tired, maybe I caught her just as her pain medication was kicking in. I hope that was all it was. God, please let that be all it was.
Because the person I talked to did not know me at all. This person had my aunt’s voice and I’m assuming she had my aunt’s body, but it was like my aunt wasn’t there. She kept thinking I was my sister. She asked about a husband that I do not have. I said, “Aunt Betty, you know you’re talking to Barb, right?” She replied, “Oh! Sorry. I’m a little confused. So, have you heard from Barb?” “This is Barb.” “Oh, yeah… I love all the postcards Barb sends me.”
I don’t know which upset me more, the fact that she didn’t know me, or the fact that she wasn’t herself. This was not my hilarious, feisty aunt. This was a meek, confused person who seemed… well… old. It made me sad.
To be honest, I fear getting dementia much more than I fear death. To lose my memories, the only things in life that are uniquely mine, is a terrifying prospect. Losing myself and yet leaving my body behind is the stuff of nightmares.
This situation also reminded me of one of the last conversations I had with my mother. In the very end stages of her cancer she was pretty zonked on pain medication. She’d have good days and bad days. One day she seemed to be having a very good day, and I said as much. She said, “I am! My daughter Barb is meeting me for lunch!” When I hung up the phone, I burst into tears, because she was in Virginia and I was in Florida, so I knew I’d be standing her up. I sort of hoped her confusion was enough so that she wouldn’t remember to be disappointed. It’s hard when someone leaves you before their body does.
So I’ll call my aunt back in two weeks and hope for the best. But I’ll be scared. Whether she knows me or not, I’ll tell her I love her. Because everyone should know they’re loved, even if they don’t know by whom.
[Image credit: draggarwal.org]
The View from a Drawbridge 
The only thing worse is when you have friends who go nuts when they are young. This happened a lot where and when I grew up. It is like some asshole is walking around in your friend’s body.
What a helpless feeling.
It is.
I sympathise with you. My mother is 85 this month. Sometimes when I call her she’s feisty and cheerful and sharp as a tack. Sometimes when I call her she forgets what she has told me 5 minutes ago. She has yet to forget who I am, so that’s good. Dementia scares the crap out of me too. Good thing it doesn’t run in the family. A lot of my family has lived to be in their 90’s with their mind all there, it’s the bodies that give out. But it might also be your Aunt’s meds doing it too. Depends on when she takes them. Or if she has gotten any new meds lately.
I have no idea if it runs in my family as most of them don’t make it past their 60’s. She’s a rare exception. The not knowing is a great part of the anxiety. I’m glad your mom still has her feisty days. 🙂
For what it’s worth:
I went through a similar experience with my grandmother when she was about the same age as your aunt. While the symptoms were classic dementia, verified by the piece of shit MD that said she’d never be the same – it turned out to be malnutrition. She simply had stopped eating enough to keep her brain going. Once that was addressed, she recovered. After recovering she told stories about how she thought she’d been kidnapped and was being held hostage in a dog food factory, as well as some other delightful stuff.
Just a thought.
You know, she never has been a big eater. I’ll look into this. Thanks.
Yes Doug, that happens a lot. My Mom is 95+. About 7 yrs ago she was just minutes from death. She looked around the room and said I’m not dying today. She also had illusions, dementia, horror tales due to the medication. Once they put her on Xanax, but never took her off, she had night terrors, visions, etc. and was terrified to sleep. She lived alone and because she forgot her meds a couple of times she was lucid enough to write stuff down. We finally figured it out. Once she got off that mind altering drug, it was like she was 10 years younger and has no sign of dementia, only occasional forgetfulness. Check the meds first and always. I am a firm believer that we should not keep anyone doped up. A little pain helps them stay lucid and focused and spend more time with those they love. Sorry for using your blog Barb, but this affects so many of us, and if we know we are not alone, maybe we can make them not feel alone as well.
That’s exactly what this blog is for, Carole! 🙂