Children are very impressionable. A flip, sarcastic remark may become a life lesson for them, rightly or wrongly. Here are some lessons that I learned growing up. Some I have worked very hard to unlearn.
I had taken a magic marker and doodled “bad” words on my white Keds. Given my age, around 5, they were probably shockers like, “poopy head” and the like. My mother wasn’t thrilled, though. But she hated confrontation. We went to the grocery store and I was wearing them. After we had loaded the groceries into the trunk, I was getting into the back seat and one of my shoes fell off in the parking lot. I said, “Hold on, Mom! My shoe fell out of the car!” She sped away, saying we were in too much of a hurry to go back, and that there were other cars in the parking lot wanting her to move. Lesson: Adults can lie when it suits their purposes.
We were trailer camping, and the camp manager came up and told us to stay inside, as a man had broken out of a nearby prison. We heard helicopters and saw flashlights in the distant woods. But I had brought no toys or books (I was about 7) and after about an hour I got really bored, and I begged my mother to let me at least go outside and sit at the picnic table. She let me, because she got tired of my whining (which from my adult perspective was a horrible solution), and I went out there and sat in the dark. Then I saw a man walking toward me out of the fog. So I got up, went to the trailer’s screen door, and it was LOCKED. I didn’t want to yell for my mother, because I was afraid I’d draw the man’s attention. So I stage whispered, “Mom, let me in!” and scratched at the door. She was sitting right there, lost in her book. I could see her. She had to have heard me. She was just annoyed that I had been such a pain earlier. “Mom!” I was convinced I was about to be killed or taken hostage. Then the guy walked up behind me and said, “Ma’am, you should keep your daughter inside.” She let me in. I have never been so scared in all my life. And I also learned that my mother was indifferent to my needs at the best of times. I pretty much had to raise myself. When I look back at some of the emotionally neglectful and/or downright irresponsible things she did to me as a child, I’m horrified and disgusted. And kind of proud that I survived.
A teenaged boy, at the swimming pool, once put his hand on my head and pushed my ten-year-old self under the water and locked his elbow while I underwater screamed and struggled. If he hadn’t let me up, I would have drowned. I ran home and told my mother, and she didn’t take it seriously. I learned two things from that one. If a guy wants to kill you, you’ll be dead. And when the sh** hits the fan in my life, I’d be on my own.
When, at age 13, I finally told my mother that my stepfather had been sexually abusing me, she said, “You’re making too much of it.” Lesson: My safety mattered to no one but myself, and grown ups live in convenient little fantasy worlds and can’t be counted on.
My mother had gotten herself a brand new aluminum cake cover. I noticed that if you held it by the handle on top and thumped it, it made an amazing “bong” sound. I was 8, and was also experimenting with my cassette recorder. She wasn’t home, so I decided to record a home cake cover concert. When she returned, I proudly played the recording for her. When she discovered my instrument of choice, she went into the pantry to find her cake cover covered in dents. I had been enjoying the sound so much I hadn’t even noticed the results. Lesson: Not everyone finds joy in the same ways that you do. (And also that when I’m in the zone, everything else tends to fade away. That’s still true to this day.)
My sister, twisting a half a grapefruit in my face and laughing as I screamed and cried. From that I got that my sister (who was 9 years older) genuinely did not like me at all, to the point of taking delight in my humiliation, so I must not be likeable. (She likes me now, and always loved me. But I struggle to feel liked by anyone to this day, and while this incident wasn’t the primary reason for that, I’m sure it didn’t help.)
My other sister, 10 years older than me, got chronic kidney infections. One day she looked at me and said she may have to take one of my kidneys someday. I was 8. It made me feel as though I had no autonomy, even over my own body. (And let’s face it. As a woman, I still feel that way quite often.)
A more lighthearted one. I was sitting in the kitchen with my stepfather. There were about 3 flies buzzing around. He told me he’d give me a nickel for every fly I swatted. So I propped open the door and let in more flies. From this I learned that it pays to think outside of the box.
Lessons can come at you from all directions. They may not always be the right ones, unfortunately. You, too, are teaching, even when you don’t realize it. So it’s important to be thoughtful with your words, kind with your deeds, and make sure everyone feels safe and heard. Anything less can cause a lifetime of destruction.
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7 thoughts on “Random Memories from Childhood and What They Taught Me”
My heart aches for your missed youth filled with Joy. Mine was the opposite. Now our roles are kinda reversed, and I find joy in all I gather from your friendship. You are strong, confident, productive, talented and oh so wise.You learned all your lessons well, and passed along solutions that can be used by us all. Then there is also your vast knowledge of everything out there to entertain and educate us. You have become a complete package so to speak, and are gardening your rewards for preserving and growing in spite of the paths you were dealt. Well done Friend.
Thank you, Carole. Your good opinion always honors me, because I think you’re wonderful. 🙂
I don’t know what it is with some mothers that they don’t have the protective instinct. Mine had a little but not near enough.
So right about what you do or say to kids. It can scar them worse than you think.
My mother had a really hard life, too, and HER mother was completely emotionless. One of her rules was that when you turned 8, you were an adult, so no more hugs. And she stuck by it. So my mother didn’t have a great role model. Not that it didn’t still suck for me. She was a good friend, though. It’s all so complicated, isn’t it?
Without going into details, I had some pretty awful things happen when young too, though perhaps not as severe as what you lived thru…but I didn’t have the resources, somehow, to put 2 and 2 together and realize 1) that the people supposed to protect me were worthless, and 2) that I *could* protect myself from some of that crap, if only by running for help. I think now that someone there would have helped. It still hurts to wonder where my real self was.
And those idiots who try to tell me to forgive those creatures…I put some of them in their place. I don’t belong to one of those servile religions that expects you to forgive crap, and I have enough trouble forgiving myself for not figuring out how to protect myself.
Let’s find some nicer things to talk about on Friday I hope!
Never fear. Interesting post for Friday. 🙂 And it took me a long time to figure out what the lessons I had learned were. Children automatically assume that adults know what they’re doing and will do what is right. That’s why abuse is so much worse for those beliefs. Cut little Angi some slack for having survived, which is no mean feat. We did the best we could, you and I.