I Feel Fine

…and that’s HUGE!

Sometime around the age of 10, I suddenly realized that when people asked me how I was doing, they didn’t really want to know. It made them uncomfortable when I responded honestly, because my childhood was your basic nightmare. It was a bitter pill to swallow, figuring out that people, in general, really don’t care.

So I had to come up with a stock response to get through those situations. I couldn’t say “fine,” though, because I’ve never been that good of a liar. So I started saying “Pretty good,” because they could make up their own happy little scenario from there, and yet I wouldn’t make myself sick by blowing sunshine.

“Pretty good” became such a habitual response for me that I began to give it even less thought than the people who did the asking. It was as rote as saying “God bless you” after someone sneezed. It’s what you say to move on to the next thing.

And then suddenly, about a month ago, someone asked me how I was doing, and I said fine. It wasn’t premeditated. It’s just what came out. It startled me.

I was even more surprised by the fact that, upon reflection, I knew I was telling the truth. I’m fine. I’m fine! For the first time in my life, I’m doing just fine.

I’ve been saying fine ever since. And no one except me (and now you, dear reader) has any idea how momentous that is. Which is just fine.

Snoopy Dance

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A Night Out with Friends

The other night I met a friend at Seattle’s Royal Room to hear Leah Tussing, an amazing blues/jazz singer. She and her band were wonderfully talented and it was a very lovely way to spend a rainy, blustery evening.

The Royal Room itself is a comfortable, welcoming venue with good food and a relaxed atmosphere, but it was the company that made the event great. I also got to meet some new friends and that’s always a pleasure.

All evening I got to watch my friend and her boyfriend interact, and it reaffirmed my faith that love can be magical. The way he looks at her, like she’s the most wonderful, amazing person on the planet, gave me hope that someone would look at me that way again someday. I miss it.

She also hasn’t been in the best of health this month, and he’s been taking amazing care of her. That feeling of being with someone who has my back like that is another thing I long for. I was beginning to think it was a figment of my imagination.

And the affectionate touches? I will never EVER take a touch for granted again, as long as I live. A touch can mean everything. You don’t realize it until you’ve lost it. Believe me.

Do I sound like I am feeling sorry for myself? On the contrary. That evening gave me hope. I left there feeling all warm and fuzzy, and very happy for my friend. Now I’m looking forward to what the future has in store for me. Anything is possible.

hope for love