Crime Used to Be So Much Easier to Commit

Shame on me.

Without going into enough detail to incriminate myself, I must admit that I’m a criminal. (Don’t act so shocked. You’ve probably bent a rule or two yourself.)

Back before airport security was tight, I did something that would probably have me doing time these days. A college friend of mine took a flight and before it took off, the airline staff asked for volunteers to be bumped off the flight. They’d be put on the next flight and get a free, non-transferrable round-trip ticket anywhere in the continental US, to be redeemed within a year. My friend shot her hand up, even though she knew she wouldn’t be back to the US during that period. She’s from Europe.

They gave her a paper ticket. She gave it to me. And I used it. This was back before airlines had gotten into the pesky habit of asking to see your ID before you got on the plane. Pretty much anybody could go anywhere, and bring their foot-long Bowie knife with them in case they got the urge to trim their nails in flight. Those were the days. You actually had leg room and a decent in-flight meal, and the plane was half empty so you could usually stretch out and take a nap afterward. (You young people have no idea.)

All I had to do was forge my friend’s signature (I practiced for weeks) and pretend to be someone I didn’t even look like, and I was able to fly out to visit my niece and nephew at a time when I could have never afforded to do so on my own.

And lightning has yet to strike me dead.

I’ve also been known in my more poverty-stricken youth to reuse uncancelled postage stamps. One time I may have let a cashier ring my zucchini up as much cheaper cucumber, too. And I borrowed a friend’s asthma inhaler at a time when I was uninsured and couldn’t afford to refill my prescription. Shame on me.

Now that I’m more financially comfortable, I can afford to be much more law-abiding, and allow my morals and better nature to come to the forefront. What can I say? Poverty makes you do stuff.

Having said that, I must admit that I still pee in the shower occasionally, albeit right over the drain. My bladder is a corrupting influence. So sue me.

I guess I just blew my chance of ever running for public office…

I wrote an actual book, and you can own it! How cool is that?

Can People Get Any More Stupid?

Do the right thing.

Just when I think I’ve heard it all, I learn that there are actually people out there who will forge a COVID-19 Vaccine Card for you. Really. You can’t make this stuff up.

Before you read any further, let me make something perfectly clear. Forging a federal document is a felony. So is possessing one. Don’t believe me? Check out this article here.

What an idiotic risk to take. Don’t do it. But if you are that foolish, the forging of a vaccine card is also borderline insane for a variety of reasons. First of all, here in the U.S. the vaccine is free. Whereas, according to this article at least, getting the forged card will cost you about 20 bucks.

So you’re telling me you’d rather spend 20 bucks than get a vaccine that just might save your life, and the lives of your loved ones, just so you can get into a concert or an amusement park without getting jabbed? You have devolved so completely as a human being that you prefer being a criminal to being healthy? You prefer the inconvenience of years of federal prison to the inconvenience of a needle stick that takes less than 30 seconds? You’d rather go to a concert and potentially infect everyone in your vicinity, as opposed to getting the vaccine and going legitimately? You’re willing to go to jail to make a political point instead of doing the right thing for your community?

What the HELL is wrong with you?

Now is the perfect time to stay at home and read a good book. Try mine!