Snap, Crackle, Pop

I just love crunchy food. My latest thing is Trader Joe’s Giant Peruvian Inca Corn. It’s salty, it’s filling, and you can almost convince yourself that it’s a serving of vegetables. But it’s the crunch that does it for me. I feel like Godzilla destroying a metropolis when I eat it. It’s very satisfying.

I’ve also long been a fan of bubble wrap. A friend once gave me a whole roll of it for Christmas. I could pop that stuff all day long. There’s something to be said for sound effects that accompany harmless destruction. I’m convinced it lowers my blood pressure.

For those of you who are as far out on the lunatic fringe as I am, I’ve recently come across hundreds of videos on Youtube made by “Dr. Pimple Popper”. Dr. Sandra Lee is a dermatologist in California, and she’s been making videos of her various procedures for years now. If you have a weak stomach, this Youtube channel is not for you, but I have to confess it mesmerizes me. I can and have watched these videos for hours.

It is amazing, the weird things our bodies can produce. Cysts the size of goose eggs that Dr. Lee sometimes is able to remove intact, or sometimes has to burst first. Dialated Pores of Winer are fascinating. The stuff seems to come out for days. Sometimes the contents are hard as a rock, sometimes not.

And you get to know some of the patients, albeit anonymously. Dr. Lee really has changed some people’s lives. What a great job to have!

I am not the only person obsessed with these videos. Some of them have more than 8 million views. People say they find them relaxing. They say it helps them sleep. I get that. It’s like Dr. Lee is definitively solving a big, distressing, painful problem, and for a moment, all’s right with the world.

I used to have a boyfriend who didn’t mind me popping his pimples. I liked doing it. Not only because sometimes it looked like invasion of the body snatchers or something, but also because I felt like I was helping him feel and look better. Then I had a boyfriend who absolutely refused to let me touch his pimples, and it would drive me insane.

Is this something I should add to my internet dating profile? What do you think? They say there’s someone for everyone…

inca corn

Check out my weird and wacky mind, in book form!

Getting Older

Today is my 49th birthday. Happy birthday to me. Given that the average life expectancy of the white American female these days is 81 years, I am definitely on the downhill slope. And it’s a rare woman in my family who makes it that far, so I could very well be further down the slope than statistics suggest. Who knows? And that’s a very strange place to be, believe me.

So let me describe the landscape for those young people who haven’t crested that peak yet, and therefore have no idea what’s on the other side.

  • I have aches and pains that will never go away. Ever. Don’t do stupid stuff that will hurt your body. It adds up.
  • I have discovered that the quality of my friendships have only gotten better over the years. Nothing like the passage of time to tell you who your friends really are.
  • With each passing day, I care less and less about what people think of me, and you’ve never experienced true liberation until you know what that’s like.
  • I know myself. What a gift.
  • Looking in the mirror is more of a shock each day. In my head I still look like I did when I was 19, despite the constant contradiction of my reflection.
  • I’m tired all the time. I mean, all the time.
  • No matter how old you get, there will always be someone older who will laugh at you for feeling old.
  • I haven’t stopped learning, and I love that.
  • The older you get, the more people you will lose, so if you’re smart you’ll try really hard to let the people you love know how much you appreciate them every chance you get.
  • When I was young I always assumed that eventually I’d reach a place where I’d be established, and where there’d be no more need for emotional growth. Wrong.
  • I honestly don’t think I’ve become more forgetful. I’ve always been forgetful. It’s just that now I have a valid excuse.
  • I still get pimples. Anyone who tells you that you grow out of that is lying.
  • I’ve discovered that the best things you can do for yourself in the long term are stretch, floss your teeth, and don’t pass up any opportunity to have sex. Forget about eat, pray, love. It’s sex, stretch, floss.
  • For God’s sake, don’t smoke. The older you will pay a hefty price.
  • It’s really important to listen to your inner voice. If you don’t, you’ll usually regret it.
  • The more that happens to you, good or bad, the more perspective you will gain over what’s really important.
  • The older you get, the more society will put restrictions on what they deem to be acceptable behavior for you. So make an extra effort to be outlandish as you get older. Anyone with an open mind will find it charming. The rest of them aren’t worth your time.