poker – The View from a Drawbridge

The Secret Lives of my Dogs

I came home from work today to the smell of pee and saw a look of utter shame on both my dogs’ faces. The worst part about it is I can’t find where they did it. I’ve been crawling around on my hands and knees sniffing away, with no luck. Disgusting.

I wish I could afford to install a hidden camera in the house so I could see what my boys do when I’m not around. Peeing only takes a few seconds. What do they do the rest of the time? Play poker? Throw wild parties? Watch kitty porn? They definitely don’t do housework. And as often as I’ve told them to get a job, the suggestion seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I’m such an enabler.

It’s disconcerting to think that my dogs have lives that I know nothing about. They have secrets. They know more about each other than I do about either one of them.

If they could speak, I wonder what they’d say to me? I wonder what they think about me? It’s a safe bet that they inwardly laugh when they see me crawling around sniffing for pee.

Cough. Gag. Found it! The bath mat. Well, at least it wasn’t the carpet. But still, yuck.

[Image credit: toplowridersites.com]

Have you ever had one of these?

I work with this guy who has to be the best. He cannot stand it if someone has done something or been somewhere if he isn’t allowed to tell a story in which he’s done something more exciting or been somewhere more exotic. To hear him tell it, he is superman.

If he hears me talking about my trip to Turkey, he will say he’s been to Afghanistan. Under cover. And he’s infiltrated a Taliban cell. And they still send him postcards. If someone says they’ve jumped out of an airplane, he’s done so blindfolded. Without a parachute. If you’ve broken a bone, he has not only broken that same bone, but it has pierced through the skin, wrapped around his body and punctured the kidney on the opposite side. And he was up and walking two days later. He’s also apparently won hundreds of thousands of dollars playing poker.

I kind of feel sorry for the guy because he clearly doesn’t realize that people see right through him, and that they laugh behind his back. He obviously does not credit others with much intelligence. He’s the kind of guy who calls all women “honey”.

It’s really kind of sad that he thinks people won’t like him unless he embellishes his life to such an extreme degree. He must really not like himself very much. He definitely lacks pride and confidence, although he must assume that we all perceive him as the most confident person on earth.

If even one tenth of his stories were true, then why is he an underpaid bridgetender who lives with his mother? It defies logic. So we let him talk about his naked skinny-dipping in piranha-infested waters, because we all realize that it’s probably the only pleasure he gets out of life.

Dog Wisdom

I had just settled down to write this blog entry, and was feeling rather stressed out because I couldn’t think of a topic, when my dog brought me his toy. It is Blue’s philosophy that no one should ever be too busy for a rousing game of tug-o-sock. How right he is. Once we have lost our sense of fun, the joy drains completely out of our lives. He’s very wise. Both my dogs are, actually. Here’s what I’ve learned from Blue and Devo, and their many predecessors, over the years.

If you need attention, put yourself right there until you get it.
Once you’ve learned how to relax your entire body with one big heavy sigh, all your problems will seem to melt away.
Sometimes you have to bark to be heard.
Put yourself right in the middle of the bed and let the rest of the planet adjust to you.
Sleep is the most wonderful thing on earth.
Learn how to look cute and the world will beat a path to your door.
If you really want to maintain a healthy body weight, eat the same boring thing every day, but do it with enthusiasm.
If you don’t talk, people will usually assume that your motives are pure.
All you need is love. And kibble.
If your natural instinct is to tell the truth, someone is bound to call you their best friend.
Everything tastes better with gravy.
It’s usually best to keep your opinions to yourself.
Every once in a while, howl at the moon.
Never go for the jugular when simply baring your teeth will do.
Be comfortable with who you are.
Allow yourself to be hugged.
There’s nothing quite like a good back scratch.
Squirrels are highly overrated.
If everyone around you believes you can’t do housework, then you’ve got it made.
If an artist catches you playing poker just once, you’ll never live it down.