According to their website, these prosthetic nuts for pets “allow your precious pet to retain his natural look, self-esteem, and aid the pet and pet’s owner with trauma associated with altering.”
As they say in the South, Jesus, take the wheel.
I mean… I’m struggling to find the words to adequately express how… (the enormously long pause while I gather myself has been deleted in the interest of space) nonplussed, stupefied and generally flipped out I am by this product.
Oh, where to begin. I can’t even…
Okay. First of all, do you honestly believe that your dog’s self-esteem is shattered when you get him neutered? Really? I mean, I’ve had a lot of dogs fixed in my lifetime, people, and not one of them has appeared to have sunk down into a bottomless pit of depression afterward. Granted, I don’t know what they’re thinking when they wake up, all alone and nutless, at three a.m. on a random Friday night, when all the other dogs are all nutfull and partying, but whatever it is, they seem perfectly willing to play fetch the next day. Life goes on.
Trauma for the pet? Well, yeah, I’m sure it doesn’t tickle, but they seem to recover quickly, and their health and life expectancy vastly improve, all while reducing the stray dog population. (Talk about trauma. Try being a homeless dog for five minutes.)
I’ve often said that I wish my veterinarian had done my hysterectomy. It would have only cost about 75 bucks, and I would have been up and running the next day, rather than flat on my back for 6 weeks. And I think my self-esteem would have been just fine.
And trauma for the owner? For heaven’s sake, get a freakin’ life. If that’s the most traumatic experience you’ve ever had, then you must be living in a plastic bubble. I certainly wouldn’t recommend that you be subjected to the average Seattle commute or, heaven forfend, a Brazilian wax. You wouldn’t survive.
But hey, Kim Kardashian’s dog Rocky has neuticles, so we should all rush out and get some, in order to keep up. Visit the website to find a participating vet near you. (I truly hope my vet isn’t on this list.)
Oh, and while you’re there, you can also order PermaStay! Those are ear implants for dogs, “to correct broken, bent or floppy ears that should otherwise stand up straight.” Because the world can’t abide dogs who don’t have perky ears.
A recurring theme in this blog is the celebration of people and/or organizations that have a positive impact on their communities. What they do is not easy, but it’s inspirational, and we don’t hear enough about them. So I’ve decided to commit to singing their praises at least onc e a month. I’ll be calling it Mid-Month Marvels. If you have any suggestions for the focus of this monthly spotlight, let me know in the comments below!
Recently I came across this amazing video about a company called Bionic Pets. Derrick Campana, the founder of this company, used to make prosthetics for humans, but then a vet approached him and asked if he might help a black Labrador that was missing a leg. He did so, and never turned back. Since then he’s helped thousands of animals, including birds, goats, cows, elephants, dogs, sheep… you name it.
What fascinates me most about his business is the variety of prosthetics he must get to fabricate. Each animal’s anatomy differs greatly, so he has to use his expertise to solve unique problems every time. That has got to be very satisfying. I would love a job like that.
He says the large animals are actually easier to work with because he has more surface area to deal with and there’s a greater margin of error. That makes a lot of sense. Can you imagine trying to make a leg for a duck that isn’t going to constantly fall off? Talk about a challenge. And this guy has done it.
I really admire people who are not only in helping professions but also fill a niche that has very few experts. And in this case, Campana is giving animals a quality of life that they wouldn’t experience otherwise. Amazing.