How’s this for bureaucracy? Yesterday my late boyfriend received a letter from an agency informing him that his case was closed because he was deceased. I’ll just let you absorb that for a second.
When I opened the letter my first thought was, “I wonder if they’re expecting a response.” So what follows is the reply in question.
To Whom it May Concern:
Thank you for your letter of April 29th, informing me that I am deceased. I must compliment you on your effort to contact me. That shows a distinct level of spiritual initiative that I’ve found sorely lacking in the average bureaucrat in the past. Attempting to pierce the veil between your world and mine is not for sissies.
It is pure dumb luck that your letter happened to find me at home and in the mood to respond. Here lately I’ve been traveling quite a bit and finding it extremely difficult to concentrate on the petty drama of humanity. I seem to have much bigger fish to fry, as it were. It’s amazing how death can expand your worldview. You should try it.
While I must admit that letters from your office have been a source of irritation for me in the past, given my current circumstances I can only work myself up to a level of wry amusement. I noticed you did not require documentation of my change in circumstances for once, and I greatly appreciate that. Compliance was never my strong suit as you well know, and it beggars the imagination how you would penalize my lack thereof at this particular point.
You have definitely provided me with service above and beyond the call of duty. Without your missive I might well have wandered around for all eternity wondering why no one was answering me when I attempted to talk to them. For example, I’ve been trying to complain to my girlfriend that she keeps losing the garlic press. How’s a body supposed to make scampi? I ask you! But now that I know why she’s ignoring my rants I can go into the light.
Wishing you increased logic and independent thought, and a big old shout out from the heavenly host,
[Image credit: Akeel Ahmed at faltuz.com]