I have been struggling with how to approach this subject. Truly I have. And my apologies in advance to the more fragile readers out there. But my life has been raised to such a high level of satisfaction of late that I just had to share it with you, dear reader.
I don’t know why luxury makes me so uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s because I’ve never had the opportunity to get used to it. It feels like something out of my reach that I don’t deserve. I’ve never been to a spa. I’ve never had a manicure or a pedicure. I just recently had my first professional massage, and I loved it, but I haven’t had one since. (Thanks, COVID.)
What I’m about to tell you has never even been on my radar. I’ll just put it right out there: I bought a bidet. Specifically, a Luxury Class USPA 6800 Bidet Seat for my already existing toilet. I was able to justify this purchase in my mind because using less toilet paper is good for the environment, and also I got a screamin’ deal at Costco, which never hurts. I’m telling you, it has changed my world.
All things toilet seem to be taboo, so I never thought I’d say this out loud, but I have never used a bidet before this. Therefore I had no clue what I was missing. I didn’t realize how deprived I have always been.
The toilet is an excellent place to think, and here lately I’m thinking that I must be experiencing what every human who has been present for a bathroom improvement must have experienced. It’s like unspoken heaven.
Imagine what it must have been like to go from squatting in the woods to using an outhouse. Imagine tearing down your outhouse because now you have indoor plumbing and don’t have to venture out in the snow to do your business. You get the idea.
But this bidet is like experiencing interstellar travel for the first time after having trundled around in a broken down jalopy for your entire life. This bidet does everything but digest your food for you.
I mean, it has a night light. A pretty blue night light. It has a heated seat. It has a dual nozzle system for front and back. The water is temperature adjustable, and it oscillates. I mean, who is expecting oscillation? I certainly was not. It still makes me giggle.
It has a remote control. A fan. It self-cleans. And it comes with a warranty, for cryin’ out loud!
And speaking of clean, I have never felt so clean in my entire life. Clean as a whistle. Squeaky clean. So clean, in fact, that now when I use a primitive public toilet, I can’t wait to get back home to my own.
And most of the time I remember that TP is no longer required at home. But sometimes I forget. There’s a lot that one does in the bathroom without thinking, it seems.
So yeah, there you have it. I got a bidet. Blush. Life is good.
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