The View from a Drawbridge

I will never know what my mother’s favorite color was. I’ll never know where she was when Kennedy was assassinated, or during the Cuban Missile Crisis. I’ll never know if she ever considered being a model. She certainly had the looks for it. Did she know anyone affected by the 1944 big top fire that happened near her home? I will never know these things because she died when I was 26 and it never occurred to me to ask those types of questions. I also can’t remember her voice, other than one particularly bad note she used to hit when singing one particular song. (She was beautiful, but she couldn’t carry a tune.)

When someone you love is dying, you’ve obviously got a lot on your mind. But if it’s your first major loss in particular, it’s quite possible that you don’t fully comprehend, or won’t allow yourself to completely accept, the fact that this is one change that’s going to be permanent. An enormous amount of history dies every time a person does.

If I had t to do over again, I’d ask questions, and lots of them. Think of it as a final interview. I’d even record it, so I’d have her voice as well. Here are some of the questions I would have asked my mother if given the chance.

• What was your dream for your life?
• How many times were you in love?
• What is your favorite color?
• Tell me where you were and what you were doing and thinking during various major historical events in your life. (VE Day, VJ Day, Kennedy Assassination, Martin Luther King’s Assassination, etc.)
• What was the best day of your life aside from the birth of children?
• What was the worst day of your life?
• What are you most proud of?
• What were your dreams for my life?
• If you had all the money in the world, what would you buy?
• What is your favorite food?
• What is the best trip you’ve ever taken?
• What was your biggest achievement?
• What was your biggest disappointment?
• Describe a perfect day.
• What would you change about your life?
• If you could give me one piece of advice, what would it be?
• What is the most important lesson you’ve ever learned?
• What is your favorite joke?
• What is the most fun you’ve ever had?
• Who is the best friend you’ve ever had?
• Tell me something about yourself that would surprise me.
• Tell me about your first kiss.
• Is there anything you’ve always wanted to say, but haven’t said?
• What do you believe will happen when you die?
• Are you proud of me?
• Was there anything you always wanted to learn but never got around to learning?
• Do you know how much you are loved?
• What would you like people to say about you after you’re gone?

Some of these questions will be harder to ask than others. But if you don’t ask them, you will never have the answers. And believe me, there’s nothing worse than that.

My beautiful mother at age 15.