There’s nothing more absurd than someone who harms himself to punish others. Everyone knows a story to that effect.
I know a woman who started smoking as a teenager simply to piss off her parents. 30 years later she has cancer. Was it worth it?
And then there’s the guy who has a tattoo on the back of his hand that he now calls his “stupid mark.” Everyone who knew him tried to talk him out of it, and that’s why, ultimately, he got it. Nobody was going to tell him what to do! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against tattoos, but if you’re going to get one of Tweety Bird, you might want it to be in a location where it will be covered up during business meetings 20 years later.
I used to work with a woman who would consistently come to work looking exhausted. I once asked her if she was getting enough rest, and she told me this story: When she lived at home with her mother, who was a real piece of work, one of her many rigid inflexible rules was that everyone had to be in bed by 11:00 pm. Not one minute later. It didn’t matter your age, or the situation, or whether you were sleepy. You absolutely HAD to be in bed, lights out, by 11:00 pm. Forget about dating. Forget about prom. Forget about late night Twilight Zone marathons on a summer Saturday night. So my coworker vowed that when she finally moved away from home, she would ALWAYS stay up past 11:00 pm. No matter how tired she was. Even if it was just until 11:01 pm, she’d fight to stay awake, even if it killed her. Because she wasn’t going to ever give her mother the satisfaction. Not even 10 years after her death.
After she told me this, I went back to my office and marinated with it for a while. Then I went back to her and said, “You know, by doing this, your mother STILL controls when you go to bed. Wouldn’t it be better to look up at the sky and say, ‘Eff you, Mom! I’ll go to sleep when I darned well please! Some days that will be 9:00 pm, some days it will be 3:00 am, but regardless, it will be when I decide!’”
I left that job shortly thereafter, so I’ll never know if she took my advice, but I hope she did, because she wasn’t punishing her mother. She was punishing herself.
But who am I to criticize? Whenever I get angry about something, what I tend to do is eat. My entire body is coated in a layer of furious fat. Does that solve the problem? Does that exact revenge upon the person who has wronged me? Does it even make me feel better? No. It puts me at risk for diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, and a whole host of other health issues.
There has to be a better way. My instinct is to say that it would always be more beneficial to confront the person. Tell him how you feel. It may not be easy. It may not feel comfortable. But at least it’s not self-destructive.
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