The View from a Drawbridge

The random musings of a bridgetender with entirely too much time on her hands.

If you are a fan of Corey Feldman, you’ll find this entry a bit harsh. But he left himself wide open for it.

First of all, do you even remember who Corey Feldman is? You can’t be blamed if you don’t. He was a child actor in the 80’s. He’s best known for being in The Goonies, Stand by Me, and Gremlins. He’s a b grade celebrity at best.

What makes him sad, though, is he thinks he’s a huge deal. He believes he looks and sings like Michael Jackson. I suppose he does look a little like him in that I’ve-had-way-too-much-work-done-on-myself kind of way. The result is that he looks a lot older than his 44 years. Even in his prime, though, I always felt he had a slimy look that was utterly off-putting.

 (Photo by Bobby Bank/WireImage)

(Photo by Bobby Bank/WireImage)

Pretty much the only thing that has kept him from completely fading into obscurity is his reputation as a drug-taking party animal. I genuinely never expected to see him on screen again except on the tabloid shows. So imagine my shock when I was casting about on Hulu for something to relieve my boredom and came across him on Celebrity Wife Swap. I had to watch in the same way people have to slow down to gaze at the aftermath of a traffic accident. The fact that I was even watching this show indicates how completely bored I was.

This episode gives you an appalling look at this man’s life. It seems he now has a management agency called Corey’s Angels. His poorly designed and barely functional (much like the man himself) website doesn’t tell you much, but wife swap told me all I needed to know to become even more disgusted with him than I already was.

Essentially, if you’re a woman who signs on to his agency, you are expected to live with him in the “Feldmansion” and become one of his angels. As such, you’re supposed to only wear lingerie and a bathrobe around the house. Sometimes you’ll also wear a halo and wings. In addition, you’re supposed to adhere to a strict “fruitarian” diet, and you can expect him to leer at you while you do your exercise regimen in your skimpy outfit. On Wife Swap he says he has his girlfriend (whom he calls his “maingel”. Ugh.) but the implication is that he sleeps with the others, too.

This is a 44 year old pervert who is preying on young sexy girls who are desperate to make a name in Hollywood. They all seem to adore him in a cult-like way. They are obviously not thinking clearly.

If he really had their best interests at heart, he wouldn’t be so hell bent on having them focus exclusively on their bodies. But no, he strongly discourages them from seeking higher education or having any sort of a contingency plan for that inevitable day when their beauty fades. As far as I can tell, the main goal of his company is to make you the best bimbo that you can be. Ladies, if you think you’ll still be welcome in the Feldmansion 20 years from now, you are dreaming.


He has parties in the Feldmansion in which lingerie is mandatory for the women. Mandatory. I’m sure he’s not expecting any of them to discuss current events. He has no respect for females, but thinks quite highly of himself. For a gag-inducing look at his warped little babe-encrusted, Michael Jackson wannabe world, check out this music video. (Despite the creep-factor of the video, it’s impressive that it’s done in one long take, and  it really is a catchy tune, but the lyrics are about as strange as Corey is.)

The most pathetic part about all of this is that I genuinely believe that he thinks he ought to be envied. It’s Corey’s world. But no woman with half a brain would want to live in it. I’ll take reality any day.

Check this out, y’all. I wrote a book!

8 thoughts on “Corey’s Angels in Feminism Hell

  1. What a weird and disgusting little man…

    1. He should be living under a bridge somewhere. Wait…

      1. And they should all be forced to watch Corey’s music video over and over again.

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