The Winnowing

Well, here’s something that took me by complete surprise: Getting married teaches you who your friends really are. I’m not talking about the people who could or couldn’t attend my wedding. There are quite a few legitimate reasons for people to make that choice. Distance, expense, health, timing… I’m okay with that.

I’m also not referring to the people who might have disagreed with my decision. That’s fine, too. Everyone has a right to his or her own opinion.

I’m talking about those who could not or would not emotionally support my decision, and my happiness, whether they agreed with it or not. I’m also calling out those who were offended by how a fundamental shift in my life goals and priorities had impacted them, as if they had staked claim to the center of my orbit and I had no right to deviate, ever. I’m talking about those who made a concerted effort to rain on my parade, as if they were the grand master thereof.

I admit it. Barb isn’t going to come out and play quite as often. At least, not with them. The center of my world is now the person I am sharing my life and my future with. But that doesn’t mean I’m not an awesome friend to have.

Personally, I can’t imagine saying to someone, or even thinking, “Now that you’re getting married, we can’t be friends because we no longer hang out twice a month.” How absurd. I’d like to think that my friends are grown-a$$ adults who can survive with a little less of me, and yet remain secure in my unwavering esteem.

I fully expect to have friendships outside of my marriage, as I expect my husband will. We are a team, but we’re also individuals. We’re not fused at the os coxae (look it up).

But for that to happen, it will require people to be just a little bit flexible. It will oblige people to make a tiny bit more effort, just as it will necessitate more effort on my part, because the logistics will be more complex. It will also demonstrate that the friends who stick around think I’m worth it.

So, as painful as certain realizations have been of late, I choose to look at this as a winnowing process. The wheat is being separated from the chaff. And what lovely wheat it is, too!

I am very, very lucky to have the amazing friends that I have, old and new. I am grateful for them every single day. Those who don’t have the staying power were apparently never true friends in the first place.

And to that, all I can say is… Namaste.

winnowing

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6 thoughts on “The Winnowing

  1. Best friend inlaw

    I wholeheartedly agree with your perspective. I believe true friends would want to see you happy. I have a feeling any friends that fall by the wayside, will be replaced in spades with new ones who will be more enduring.

    There is one thing you should be aware of, true friends don’t make you look things up.

  2. lyn sutton

    Jeez, where are you getting your friends from? Sounds like high school drama. Being unfriended because you married? Shallow acquaintances masquerading as friends have been unmasked. Sorry the party got rained on but happily you have many ready to umbrella you…and a warm welcome to your husband who is new to this party.

  3. Be patient with yourself, Cris and other people. Changes in life-status require a lot of adjustments which is more difficult as we get older. And as we transition through life phases, we sometimes lose touch with some people and hopefully gain some new relationships, too. I do recall a few rants on this page (smile) that it is not possible to be happy in a long-term relationship….you can now set a new goal to prove yourself wrong!

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