I Want a Familiar

Who couldn’t use an assistant to do all the errands?

For the purposes of this blog post, I’m using Merriam-Webster’s third definition of familiar, which is “a spirit often embodied in an animal and held to attend and serve or guard a person.”

As I was folding my laundry the other day, I was thinking, “Why is it that witches are the only ones that get to have familiars?” I mean, what person couldn’t use someone else to run out and do all the errands? Imagine how much extra time we’d all have if you didn’t have to do the grocery shopping or pick up the dry cleaning or mow the lawn or water the garden or empty the dishwasher.

The familiar of choice seems to be a black cat, but I don’t think that’s the best idea. Cats don’t have opposable thumbs. They couldn’t easily pick things up for you. They couldn’t type your correspondence. They’re not wild about water, so they wouldn’t like dealing with the swimming pool or the plumbing. And also, I happen to be allergic to cats, so that would make things awkward for me. And my dogs would get jealous.

My dogs do guard me. I think my dachshund, in particular, would kill the first person who tried to assault me. He’d start at the ankles and work his way up. But both dogs kind of fall short when it comes to the “attend” and “serve” part. They don’t even reliably fetch. And then there’s the whole opposable thumb thing again.

I suppose I could hire an assistant, but I wouldn’t be able to pay them what they’d richly deserve. Maybe I should figure out how to transfer my spirit into another creature’s body and be my own familiar while my body takes a nap. I do love my naps. But would I get a good rest under those circumstances? Probably not.

Clearly this plan is lacking some critical details. Rest assured I’ll be giving it plenty of thought as I water the garden and pump gas and the like. But I’d welcome any brainstorms that you happen to experience on the subject.

Happy Halloween.

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Author: The View from a Drawbridge

I have been a bridgetender since 2001, and gives me plenty of time to think and observe the world.

2 thoughts on “I Want a Familiar”

  1. I had a cat with front feet that mimicked opposable thumbs. Extra toe on both. Still wasn’t any help with the housework, but made an excellent attack cat. Considered himself my familiar and guarded me as loyally as if I was a witch. Maybe we’d fare better with flying monkey’s.

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