An Expert Unpacks FOMO

Fear of missing out is Quagmire’s reason for being.

Hello, my name is Quagmire. I’ve also been called Q the dog, Mr. Meyer, the Dachshund who thinks he’s a Rottweiler, mom’s best friend, Craig Moore (in voice text), and he-who-thinks-he’s-the-center-of-the-universe. Mom is letting me take over the blog today because frankly she’s not in the mood. That, and she knows that I am an expert in the subject in question.

FOMO, or fear of missing out, is basically my reason for being. You hear a lot of trash talk about FOMO, but I believe it can bring out one’s best. I think all you computer lovers out there should look at it as a feature, not a bug.

I’m going to tell you a little bit about the ins and outs of FOMO so that you can navigate it properly.

First and foremost, never, ever ever ever leave someone in the food-making-room unsupervised. Humans can be very messy, and without me cleaning up the floor, the house would be a health hazard. Also, supervision provides an excellent opportunity to get more treats and also to practice looking pathetic. Believe me, you miss out on a lot less when you look pathetic. People tend to take you places they wouldn’t have taken you normally if it weren’t for that look. This picture actually convinced someone to sell her house to mom despite multiple offers.

You should also closely supervise the humans when they are staring at the box with the moving pictures. They will think you’re being cute and cuddly and keeping them warm, but really, it’s a chance to catch up on your sleep while still being on top of things. Literally.

And FOMO can give you the opportunity to express yourself. When the humans aren’t home, or are otherwise occupied, it’s always a good idea to sit in the front window and keep track of your outer territories. It’s mission-critical that you bark at all the passersby, so they know how privileged they are to be given safe passage.

FOMO allows you to exercise your sniffer as well, because when on a walk, you absolutely have to stop at every tree and intersection to pick up the pee mail. That often gives you vital information as to what is happening in your community. After all, it’s important to keep up with current events.

FOMO can be reciprocal, too. When someone is sleeping alone in the bed, you can snuggle with them, keep them warm, and make sure that they’re not missing out on any love that’s available. I also like to cuddle with my sister Nelly, because she tends to be a little shy, and keeps to herself, so I know she’s missing out on more than I am. I kind of view that as my brotherly duty.

FOMO requires constant vigilance. I pretend to be a good listener, when it suits me. I actually don’t understand what’s being said most of the time. I just wag my tail and try to look cute, while staying comfortable and warm. I live in hope that one day my foreign language skills will improve, so I can ask why I’m called so many names, and also allow FOMO to become a distant memory that does nothing more than make my paws twitch in my sleep.

One last pearl of wisdom about FOMO: Never let it interfere with a good nap. (But sleep in the exact center of the bed just in case. You never know what you might miss otherwise.)

Now is the perfect time to snuggle up with a good dog and a good book. Try mine!


Author: The View from a Drawbridge

I have been a bridgetender since 2001, and gives me plenty of time to think and observe the world.

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