The Mall of America: A Shopaholic’s Dream

Since we were visiting Minneapolis, it would have been a gross oversight if we had not borne witness to that core of crass consumerism and callous capitalism, that axis of excess, that behemoth that is also known as the Mall of America. I have been hearing about this mall since its opening in 1992. By then I had already outgrown my teenage love for malls, and had (for reasons not yet known to me) settled into my autistic aversion to all things that attract crowds.

And yet I was still intrigued. I knew there were interesting things in the mall, such as hotels and a mini golf course and a theater. I knew I’d have to studiously avoid the M&M store because the temptation would be too great. I did look forward to seeing the most iconic part of the mall, the center, which houses an amusement park complete with roller coasters.

In addition, I was under the impression that, among so many other things, this mall included its very own water park. While a water park has been in the plans since MoA’s inception, they have yet to make this, er… wet dream (Sorry. I had to.) a reality. They are still talking about it, though. If and when it’s completed, it will add a building with a footprint of about 250,000 square feet to the mall’s south side. I’m sure that will be a sight to behold.

In the meantime, if you absolutely must be in the presence of copious amounts of mall water, you can check out Sea Life at Mall of America, which we had to skip for lack of time. It’s a 1.3 million-US-gallon aquarium containing thousands of aquatic creatures. I do love a good aquarium.

If Sea Life doesn’t satisfy you, there is an indoor water park just a half mile away at the Great Wolf Lodge. I hope you won’t be disappointed by its “mere” 70,000 square feet of watery fun, including a slide that is 4 stories tall. While descending, you can distract yourself with the fact that there is a bit of controversy related to this water park.

It originally opened in 2006 as the Water Park of America. Because its name is so similar, MoA filed a lawsuit claiming trademark infringement shortly before its opening day. The water park filed a counterclaim, because they said that MoA knew about their plan for the name for 3 years and in fact encouraged them to use it and spend a fortune on promotional materials. They also said that MoA only took exception to their name when they decided to plan for their own water park. The settlement they arrived at is confidential.

Great Wolf Lodge bought the property in 2017, and dropped the contentious name. You can now either book a suite at the lodge which comes with free water park admission, or you can purchase a day pass and splash around to your heart’s content.

Meanwhile, back at the mall, Dear Husband and I decided to check out Flyover America, a ride that is very similar to Wings Over Washington here in Seattle. Once you’ve strapped yourself in, your seat rises up, and you feel like you’re flying. The spherical screen gives you a bird’s eye view of some of the most beautiful parts of America, and you’re treated to special effects such as wind, mist, and various scents. If you’re afraid of heights, be warned. I felt like I was so high up that I actually lifted my feet to avoid hitting the virtual treetops and snow-covered mountain peaks.

We also had to pop in to the LEGO Store and the Crayola Store, because… LEGO and Crayola! The LEGO Store is right in the very heart of the mall, and among oh so many other things, you can get 180 different LEGO replacement elements, some very obscure indeed, so you can stop being irritated with your toddler. (I’m sure whatever it was he swallowed looked delicious to him at the time.)

You can’t miss the store. It has some larger than life LEGO models hovering over it. The robot alone is 34 feet tall.

The Crayola Store filled me with joy. I’ve never seen so many Crayola products in my life. Anything from crayons (of course), to markers to coloring books to clothing to souvenirs to crayon plushes. My current obsession happens to be sidewalk chalk, because I like to decorate the sidewalk in front of my little free library with reading slogans. This store had plenty of chalk to choose from.

Right next to the Crayola Store is the Crayola Experience, which includes 25 hands-on creative attractions. It’s clearly geared towards children, so, having comforted my inner child with some sidewalk chalk, we gave it a pass. We had covered a lot of ground, but we’re not as limber as we used to be. After a while we decided we’d seen enough and headed out.

The Mall of America gave me my mall fix for the next decade. I’m glad we went there, because I was curious. It houses 520 stores, 6 department stores, 13,300 parking spaces and 5,600,000 square feet (129 acres) of shopping. You could fit nine Yankee Stadiums inside. 42 million people visit this mall every year.

Rest assured I elevated my feet when we got back to the hotel, all while gazing at my new chalk and imagining what I’d create with it. I’m so glad we had this experience together. If either of us were more into shopping, it would probably have seemed like paradise. It was fun and unique. What more can you ask for from a sightseeing excursion?

Having created this wonderful memory, now I can happily revert back to shopping on Amazon.com. Even though it makes me sick to support Bezos while all those warehouse workers are exploited, I must confess that shopping online is a lot more appealing to my autistic brain than routinely braving the largest mall in the Western hemisphere would be.

I bet it looks beautiful at Christmas, though.

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