At one point or another in my life, I’ve been pretty much called every name in the book. Since one of my autistic superpowers is remembering dialogue quite clearly, these insults have always left more than just a mark. They have felt more like brands burned into my skin.
But as I learn more and more about my place on the autistic spectrum, I realize that I am prone to black and white thinking. If I’m accused of something, it feels, to me, like a conviction. My entire life, I’ve been frustrated by the fact that I’m constantly misunderstood, and I can’t seem to change anyone’s opinions about anything. (Not for lack of trying. I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy spinning my wheels in this fashion.)
Here are some examples of the pejoratives I’ve been tarred and feathered with over the years:
- Opinionated, judgmental, biased, critical,
- Negative, in possession of a poor attitude,
- Bratty, whiny, needy, childish, acting like a victim,
- Selfish, manipulative,
- Lazy, weak, ugly, intolerable, pathetic,
- Irrational, touchy, sensitive, hysterical, delusional, weird,
- Hateful, inconsiderate, rude, disrespectful,
- Uncooperative, pushy,
- Hostile, angry, defensive,
- Toxic, crazy, (and my personal favorite) changed.
I used to think, in my black and white way, that reality was the same for everyone, and that all conclusions were derived from facts. Therefore I gave the pronouncements that issued from people’s pie holes much more credibility than they often deserved, especially if said pie holes were attached to people that I loved.
Then 2016 happened, and I came to realize that facts have very little to do with anything for most people, and reality is somewhat arbitrary. It just feels solid because most of us (not just me) resist changing our perspectives once they have been formed on any given subject.
I stumbled upon an article in Psychology Today that provided me with some much-needed insight. It pointed out that pejoratives imply that a universal human trait is universally bad, and that one should never be [place the appropriate criticism here].
Over time, I’ve begun to shift my attitude about morality. I’m starting to understand that just because someone decides that a character trait is bad rather than good, or wrong rather than right, that doesn’t mean I have to agree. Only I can fully understand what my life experiences have been, and why I behave the way I do or feel the way I feel.
But the article mentioned above gave a great suggestion about the perfect way to take the wind out of any pejorative sail. When hit with a judgment, simply respond with some version of this:
Of course, I am! Like you, like everyone. The only question would be whether my being [insert pejorative here] is justified or appropriate for me, given the situation.
Some examples the author gave were:
“You’re being judgmental.”
“Indeed I am, like you, like anyone. We all make judgments. The question here is whether I’m misjudging.”
“You’re being negative.”
“Of course, I am, like you, like anyone. The more positive you are about something, the more negative you are about its opposite. The question here is whether I’m being negative appropriately in this situation.”
I hope I remember to use that handy little tool the next time someone decides that they know better than I do about how I should or should not be. I probably won’t, because I’ve had to learn this lesson over and over again throughout my life. I wish I remembered good advice as well as I remember dialogue. But hope springs eternal.
I do know enough about myself to understand that if I am able to utter some version of that sentence when I find myself in the midst of some emotionally charged conversation, I’ll have a hard time resisting the urge to add, “The question for you is, why do you think that you have the right to cast aspersions, and who has given you the moral authority to do so?”
Suddenly I’m feeling empowered.
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