The View from a Drawbridge

I was doing my laps at our public pool, minding my own business, when a song issued forth from their speakers. Usually I like this, because they have great taste in music much of the time. The Beatles. Motown. Elton John. Alternative. That sort of thing. But this song was one of my worst nightmares.

I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas is that deadly combination of an annoying child’s voice plus a song that has absolutely nothing to do with the actual holiday. And, yes, Christmas songs in general being forced down one’s throat from Halloween until the actual big day is one of the primary pet peeves of my life. So thank you for that earworm. Thanks loads.

I’ve thought about writing this particular rant for ages, but I feared it would just make me seem even more bitter and cynical than usual. I mean, if these songs are ubiquitous at this time of year, then people must love having them wash over them like a tsunami every waking minute, right? I’m usually an outlier, so it wouldn’t surprise me if I were firmly in the minority on this issue, too.

But according to this Sound Guys Podcast, 23% of the Americans polled cited Christmas music as one of the most stressful parts of the holidays. I’m guessing from those low stats that they did that survey in a mall, because many of us are so averse to this cruelty by Christmas carol that we try to avoid all shopping venues simply to preserve our sanity. If you want an honest statistic on this topic, you’d need to include those of us who are hunkered down at home, thinking that January can’t come soon enough.

That podcast also said that Christmas music can be triggering for some. It could remind someone of childhood trauma or of a loved one who is no longer present, or of an ex that you’d much rather forget. If you’re already in the throes of financial meltdown, these songs won’t help. If you have unhappy memories of Christmas, or you find yourself alone, Christmas can be a very lonely holiday, indeed.

There has been Christmas music since Christians co-opted Saturnalia in the 12^th century, but here’s something interesting: These songs mostly remained within churches until the early 20^th century. The leapt into the wider world due to the advent of radio. And then there’s Bing Crosby and World War II. He was asked to come up with a song to cheer up the troops during the holiday season and he made Irving Berlin’s song his own in 1941, right after Pearl Harbor. White Christmas has been part the musical equivalent of the American lexicon ever since.

Bing also put out the first album that was dedicated entirely to Christmas songs in 1945. And it’s been off to the races for every singer in the Christian world since then. And why wouldn’t they? These albums are guaranteed money makers, due to the fact that they’ll be played a million times in retail stores every year.

I was raised Christian, but I have not considered myself one for 40 years. Therefore, we do this weird hybrid Christmas each year out of nostalgia, and a desire to distract ourselves from the gloomy winter months. We put up lights and a tree. We watch It’s a Wonderful Life. We drive around looking at the pretty Christmas lights. And I am a sucker for a good bell choir. But I avoid retail stores as much as humanly possible.

I always wonder what people who are not and never have been Christians think of this annual auditory assault. It must be kind of creepy to have Christianity shoved in your face for about 1/6^th of the year. Especially since there seems to be no way to escape it. What do you tell your children?

According to this NPR story, about 50 years ago, 90% of all Americans identified as Christian, so there is that nostalgia factor. But as of 2020, only 64% of us do. So, yeah, it’s still the majority religion, but not by much, and that majority gets smaller every year. So by hitting us with this constant barrage of Fa La La, you’re alienating 36% of America, plus the sizeable portion of Christians who find two solid months of Christmas music irritating as… well… you get the idea.

 I’m not saying that all Christmas music should be banned. In fact, there are quite a few Christmas songs I enjoy when I choose to hear them. They’re great when decorating a tree or gazing at a neighborhood lit up with colored lights or wrapping presents, for example. I love the classics sung by Bing Crosby and Nat King Cole and Frank Sinatra and Johnny Mathis and Perry Como and Burl Ives. And if you insist on a very religious song, my favorite is O Come, O Come Emmanuel as sung by a traditional choir. I find it both haunting and comforting.

I’m just wishing that there was a way to allow each customer to choose, rather than thrusting it upon them as if you’re desperate to prove that you have the most holiday spirit. All of this Jingle Belling tends to jangle my nerves. By the time Christmas actually rolls around, I’m heartily sick of the holiday and want to get it over with.

So why do retailers do this? Simple. Christmas music equals sales. For those of you who are terrified of vaccines because you think some bad actor is injecting you with microchips, consider this: Your prefrontal cortex has to work hard to filter out this music. Since that’s the part of your brain that is also in charge of decision making, it’s in a retailer’s best interest to keep that prefrontal cortex as busy as possible so you’ll impulse buy.

The nostalgia factor comes into play as well. We have practically been trained since birth to think that Christmas music = Christmastime = a need to buy gifts. That’s why they start playing this music earlier and earlier each year. They’re fine with decking those halls within an inch of your life, and resting ye merry, gentlemen, all the way to the bank.

But what I still can’t understand is why non-retail venues have jumped on the bandwagon. Why do we have to hear Christmas music while getting our teeth drilled at the dentist, or being prepped for surgery at a hospital, or while pumping iron at the gym? It’s almost like these places are afraid not to. It’s as if they fear they’ll be shunned if they don’t play along. It’s almost as if they are afraid to step out of line, as if we were in a fascist country, and we must all play a part in making non-Christians uncomfortable. This cacophony of carols certainly isn’t the result of all the dental hygienists of this world begging their office managers for 8 solid weeks of Jingle Bell Rock. (I think that is the very definition of cruel and unusual punishment.) It’s more like involuntary group think on a massive scale.

It’s kind of disturbing when you think about it.

Happy Holidays, dear reader!

My book would make a great gift. Just sayin’. http://amzn.to/2mlPVh5