I hate bullies and sadists with the heat of a thousand suns. I don’t even have to know the victim to wade right in in an effort to put a stop to things. This gets me into trouble in the workplace because bullies seem to always rise to the top of the food chain in any bureaucracy. It didn’t exactly make me popular in the schoolyard, either. Children can be awful. I got beat up a lot. And yet I take these antagonists on anyway. I’d rather ask for the abuse myself than watch someone who didn’t ask for it have to take it.
I wonder, in particular, about adults of this ilk. Have they been bullies for their entire lives, or has the taste of a little authority and power allowed them to reveal their true nature? For me, the latter is worse, because it means that the person knows better, but is choosing to be a jackhole. I feel the same way about people who can be kind (albeit insincere) to some people, and horrible to others. Again, that’s a choice.
It amazes me when someone defends a person who is behaving badly simply because I have vented about their behavior. Apparently venting is even more unacceptable than the reason for said venting, so people who should be on my side feel the need to correct my behavior. This also happens to me a lot. (And for those who don’t know, I’m 59.)
“Well, he may be having a bad day.” “Oh, come on. It’s not that big of a deal.” “Just let it roll off you like water off a duck’s back.”
Allow me to retort. Just because someone is in a bad mood doesn’t mean that they have the right to attack others. And it is a big deal, because I take great pains to exercise common courtesy and assertive boundary establishment. I may not always succeed in my efforts, but I don’t feel that it’s unreasonable to hold others to that same standard.
And sorry, but I’m not one to just sit back and take it when someone behaves aggressively, condescendingly, and/or attempts to intimidate those whom they think are weak, powerless or easily manipulated. I’ve taken a mountain of crap in my life, but I refuse to let the people around me do the same if I can do anything about it. Because I know how it feels. I know the scars it leaves behind.
Once I’ve done what I can in these situations (assuming that there’s anything I can do), yes, I vent about these people. If I don’t let off some steam, I might explode from the pressure of the injustice. I don’t think that’s unusual or wrong, and I certainly don’t need anyone to tell me how I should feel or behave in those moments. Doing so just adds to the steam, because I shouldn’t have to defend how I’m reacting in the face of a malefactor.
Yes, I’m autistic. Yes that comes with a heaping helping of black and white thinking. But some things should go without question, dammit. Some things shouldn’t be afforded shades of grey.
If I’m allowed to vent, or, even better, if I am supported or validated in my feelings even if I’m not agreed with, I then get over it in short order and move on. But having to defend my reaction in the face of such obvious ill-treatment, especially when I’m already in a justifiably foul mood because of it, is a bridge too far. And it makes me think rather less of people who expect that of me.
Believe me, I’m well aware that most people would rather not speak up. Heaven knows people have rarely spoken up for me. They don’t want to rock the boat. They’d rather look down at their shoes and let people be steamrolled. They want to appear to be nice even in the face of rudeness.
What they don’t seem to realize is that that simply gives the rude person the impression that they can get away with such behavior in the future. And the cycle will continue to intensify if they have the good fortune not to regularly encounter people who are willing to call them out. Some lessons need constant reinforcement.
I just don’t have it in me to look at my shoes. I think the world would be a much better place if more people felt like that. Being part of a society means that everyone should be held accountable for their actions. The better angels of our nature need all the help that they can get.
Speaking of the better angels of our nature, please consider supporting my fundraiser to buy school supplies for the children on Yanaba Island in Papua New Guinea. And share the link far and wide. A little help goes a long way! Thanks!
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