Out to Sea on a Hamster Wheel?

I sometimes wonder if anyone warned the Wright Brothers that attempting to fly was dangerous and foolhardy. If so, thank God they ignored those people, because planes have allowed more of us to experience the world and therefore open our minds. Without those broadened horizons, humanity would most likely be even more ignorant and war-prone than it already is. That’s a scary thought.

There are plenty of “they said it couldn’t be done” stories out there. I marvel at many of them, because the outcomes have greatly benefitted mankind. But in the case I’m about to describe to you, there was absolutely no benefit to the public as it’s doubtful anyone will ever want to repeat this stupidity, and the associated charitable fundraising (if there ever really was any) failed. Some capers are simply not worth one’s life.

From what I’m seeing, hearing, and reading, Reza Baluchi is a unique individual. If what he says is true, he was born in Iran and had the unfortunate habit of resisting conformity at every turn. He states that he was imprisoned and tortured in Iran for offenses against Islam, one of which was being caught eating when he was supposed to be fasting. He was an athlete and cycled for the Iranian team, and then defected to Germany and cycled for their team.

He claims to have then been granted political asylum in the US after he entered the country illegally and was picked up, half starved, in the desert by border agents. He was then held in a detention center for 5 months. There’s no documentation for most of these claims of his. We are relying on his own words that have been passed along by various reporters. It does seem legitimate that he ran across the US twice, and along the entire US perimeter once, to raise money for charities. It also appears to be true that he now washes dishes in a restaurant. Oh, and he has become a Florida Man. In every sense of the word.

It is indisputable that he has taken to the sea in a hamster wheel 5 times. Each time, the US Coast Guard scuttled his mission before he made any significant headway. And thank goodness for that, because this man is the poster child for poor planning. He expected to cross thousands of miles of water in a giant zorb ball that he placed inside a frame and steadied by using float buoys.

On his first attempt, he planned to trace the Bermuda Triangle by going from Florida to Bermuda to Puerto Rico, and then back to Florida. He only made it 185 miles before being picked up by the Coast Guard in a state of exhaustion. He was off the coast of St. Augustine, Florida. He had activated two distress beacons, which he claimed he did by accident. The Coast Guard rescue operation cost the taxpayers $140,000.

Attempt two was to be from Florida to Bermuda, Haiti, Cuba, Puerto Rico, and back to Florida. He embarked on this journey despite Coast Guard warnings of imprisonment. Instead of the 5-month trek he expected, he made it two days before being picked up 7 miles off the coast of Jupiter, Florida. That one got him his own 10 minute Vice documentary.

Hoping that the third time would be the charm, I suppose, he set out again 3 months later. This time he made it to about 90 miles off the coast of Jacksonville, Florida, and the Coast Guard put him in a psychiatric hospital for evaluation because he threatened suicide if they rescued him yet again. His hamster wheel was sunk by the Coast Guard.

He waited for 5 years before making his fourth attempt. This time he planned to go from North Florida to New York City. In actual fact, he washed ashore about 30 miles south of his starting point. He claimed he did this on purpose because he discovered that some of his equipment had been stolen.

Two years later, in August of 2023, he made his final attempt (so far). He was destined for London, England. Why he thought he’d be able to accomplish that based on so many other failures is beyond me. He was picked up 70 miles off the coast of Tybee Island, Georgia. This time he held the Coast Guard off for two days by threatening to kill himself with knives he was brandishing (because it’s a brilliant idea to have knives on a zorb), and when that didn’t seem enough, he held up two wires and made false claims that he had a bomb and would blow himself up. The Coast Guard then had to call in a U.S. Navy Explosive Ordinance Disposal Unit, which I’m sure resulted in yet another major expense to the taxpayers. This time he’s facing charges.

Some additional fun facts that demonstrate his poor planning and utter cluelessness are these:

He refused to employ a support boat as the Coast Guard requested, because he wouldn’t want to put the crew in danger. Instead, the Coast Guard has been forced to step in as needed.
He did think to pack a fire extinguisher on trip three, but it wasn’t fully charged.
On trip number 4 he failed to notice the absence of his GPS and his charging cables before setting out and had to turn back.
He had no boating experience at all prior to his hamster wheel capers, and he took no classes on seamanship whatsoever.
Once, he headed out despite an approaching hurricane. He said if he was caught by a hurricane, he’d simply zip up the hole in his Zorb and let the hurricane take him wherever it would.
His first bubble was popped when a few “fat kids” decided to play in it. He patched the hole and used it for journey one.
He considered upgrading his bubble’s stabilizers by installing used propane tanks rather than buoys.
At one point he asked a passing sailboat for directions to Bermuda.
On his first trip, which was supposed to cover 3,000 miles of ocean, all he packed was homemade protein bars, gummy bears, bottled water, a GPS and a satellite telephone.
His bubble, which was transparent, would often get up to 120 degrees during the day.
At one point his hamster wheel was knocked on its side by a cold front. (Which makes you wonder what a hurricane would have done.)
On one voyage, in addition to “five or six lights” and two life jackets, he felt that one piece of essential equipment was a laptop to watch movies.
In response to putting his rescuers at risk on multiple occasions, and costing the taxpayers untold hundreds of thousands of dollars, he claimed that the goal of one of his trips was to raise funds for the Coast Guard, (in addition to three other causes).

I don’t make any claims about the state of his mental health or the level of his intelligence. I’m not a professional. But jeez.

He has maintained that all his trips were for charity. If so, then his heart was in the right place, at least. But given his inadequate publicity prior to his trips, and his feeble efforts to even ensure his survival (something that might put a charity in its own bubble of bad publicity), I would hazard a guess that what he really wanted was attention and/or that he was desperate for a level of fame that he was ill-equipped to achieve.

They say you should never give up on your dreams. I might point out that there are differences between dreams and fantasies. Dreams are often more realistically achievable and only require varying amounts of determination and effort. Fantasies are not realistic at all. I might fantasize about attaching balloons to my chimney and floating my house to Italy, but I know better than to make the attempt.

The whole “never give up” thing should come with a few caveats. The primary caveat should be that if your dream is manifestly idiotic and life-threatening, it shouldn’t be pursued in the first place. Sure, you are physically capable of diving headfirst into molten lava, but to then assume that you’ll be doing the backstroke and will come out unscathed is not only irresponsible, but it’s also insane.

Another caveat might be that one should take a damned hint from experts every once in a while. They can point out challenges you’ll definitely face if you implement your foolhardy plan. After receiving their warnings, if you are still hellbent on doing something idiotic, at least make every effort to have the proper equipment and supplies, adequate support, and the knowledge base to mitigate some of the oncoming disaster that you will have brought upon yourself.

Or you could simply overlook all those things and be like Reza Baluchi: A man who has never given up on a fool’s errand and hasn’t gotten anywhere for his troubles.