My LGBTQ+ Connection

I get the impression that at least two members of my family have always wondered if I’m a lesbian. They’ve never had the courage to come right out and ask, but they frequently dance around the subject. I’ve never bothered to clarify, because the realm in which they dance is full of stereotypes and tropes that are rather ignorant and, frankly, wrong-headed.

By their way of thinking, I must be a lesbian because:

I don’t wear makeup.
I’ve spent most of my life unmarried.
I have had a lot of homosexual friends in my lifetime.
I’m not a girly girl.
I loved Brokeback Mountain.
I read Armisted Maupin, James Baldwin, and David Sedaris.
One of my favorite comedians is Hannah Gadsby.
I have all 5 seasons of the original L Word on DVD.
I think some women are gorgeous.
I have a low opinion of quite a few men.
I’ve been to pride parades and gay clubs and drag shows.
I see nothing wrong with trans people reading to children.
I have never focused on who was peeing in the stall next to mine.

I could probably go on for hours, but I’ll skip to the worst assumption of all: If I am, in fact, a lesbian, then there’s something wrong with me and shameful about me, and I need to be fixed.

This is where I cross the line into being pissed off, because I know what it’s like to have people think there is something wrong with me. I know I have embarrassed people because I behave and think differently than they do. I know that I have been viewed as broken. And for the majority of my life, I have believed that these things must be true, because majority rules, right?

When I finally got my autism diagnosis two weeks before my 58th birthday, it was a lot to absorb. I’ve had the chance to sit with this diagnosis for about 15 months now, and it has been life-changing. Part of the process has been learning everything I could about autism, and from that, my primary takeaway is that autism isn’t a disease. It’s not something that can or should be cured. It’s a different way of perceiving and coping with the world. Not a worse or better way, but a different way. That way, unfortunately, puts me in the minority, and that means I’m expected to conform to certain societal standards and endure daily micro-aggressions.

Finally understanding that I’m autistic, and owning it, also means that I can look back at my past through an entirely different lens. Things that used to make me feel like a freak finally make perfect sense. That lifelong feeling of being an outcast now seems quite understandable given societal pressures. Understandable, yes, but also ridiculously unnecessary.

Why should I be ostracized just for being the person I was born to be? I have blue eyes. I have white skin. I’m autistic. These are the cards I was dealt, and it’s not my fault that an arbitrary value has been placed on these cards by humanity.

I’m far from an expert on all things LGBTQ+, but I suspect that much of that community can relate to what I have described in those last four paragraphs. Maybe that’s why I have always felt a kinship with them. I may not have known why until recently, but there are strong connections there.

And guess what? Whether you like it or not, we are all connected in more ways than not. We have feelings and opinions and ideas. We want to be free to be ourselves. We each want to be accepted and loved and appreciated for the unique gifts we bring to the world. We have dreams and aspirations. We are flawed and we are miraculous.

We are all hindered by biology in that we are born and we die. What we make of our lives based on the cards we were dealt is up to us, but the influence of outside pressures to conform cannot be overlooked. It is drummed in to all of us that we should meet certain expectations. Those expectations are random, and they cause some of us to chafe more than others. The injustice of that chafing can’t be explained to someone who hasn’t personally experienced it.

I am drawn to people who have extra challenges in life through no fault of their own. I get it. So I have no problem at all with meeting fellow travelers at random crossroads, and lingering for a time to learn from them or share with them, I’ve also been known to simply exchange a knowing glance. I do my best to judge people only by their intentions, not by their packaging or the labels thereon. Some days I’m better at this than others, but I do try.

We may be coming from different places or aiming for different destinations, or our paths may be parallel at various points. It doesn’t matter at all to me, and it shouldn’t matter to you, either. Assume whatever you want about me. It won’t stop me from relishing these encounters. It’s all part of the journey.

Read any good books lately? Try mine! http://amzn.to/2mlPVh5

4 responses to “My LGBTQ+ Connection”

Angiportus Librarysaver

Mar 4, 2024 at 7:26 am

My diagnosis of ADD/ADHD came too late to save my career. I hate having it, it isn’t always “just something different”, sometimes it’s a real problem, especially when employers are clueless. Drugs didn’t help. I think some doctors are mighty quick to fling drugs around, but that’s a whole different rant.

But I cured my early-teens homophobia in 1971, when I got hold of a best-smeller that’d just come out by this soi-disant expert on sex, and he made gay people sound so pathetic and diseased and sad, every last one of them, that it tripped my crap alarm. Next spring I read some stuff about gay liberation marches and so on, and a light came on. These people had an inner difference that didn’t show on the surface (contrary to myths), and so did I–an introvert with some unusual aesthetic responses, more interested in things and ideas than in people–and when I saw the analogy I realized I didn’t any longer need to feel guilty about it, didn’t need to turn normal to grow up. For the 1st time ever I didn’t feel defective. What a weight off my mind that was, even though I was still in an oppressive situation at home. I never looked back–and I owe it all to the gays.

I sometimes wonder how many other people had the opposite response to that book than what the author meant. For sure, in some sectors he got criticized for many statements therein, I seem to recall after all these decades.

As for me, I rejoice that despite the dark warnings of certain family members I have found some good friends, who are fine with me just the way I am, and I’m fine with them.

Loading…

Reply
1. The View from a Drawbridge
  
  Mar 7, 2024 at 5:34 pm
  
  I’m so glad you had that realization early. Feeling defective is life-damaging, and society is so quick to pigeon hole people in that manner that it’s a wonder any of us make it to adulthood without being institutionalized. And yay for those friends, too!
  
  Loading…
  
  Reply
Lyn

Mar 4, 2024 at 11:42 am

Born into a family that expected females to be equal to males and internal substance was encouraged over external frills. None were girly girls. Diversity was the norm. People from all walks of life were welcome. Not all the men in the family agreed, but they weren’t shamed or expelled for their prejudices as long as they didn’t interfere with our rights. Somehow, it worked. Friends, I naturally gravitated towards and attracted, had similar family dynamics. Never realized how unique those dynamics were until I started dating and was exposed to toxic families that were ruled by misogyny and prejudice. Not only was I judged for race, feminist views, intellect, and lack of religion, they labeled me a witch, but didn’t accuse me of lesbianism since I was petite, delicate and graceful (I was a dancer). Talk about stereotypes and tropes; their lives were riddled with these. What a culture shock. Can’t imagine their abuse if I hadn’t masked my ASD. Couldn’t have survived the neurotypical world if not for the nurturing love and acceptance of the women in my fathers family. Sorry you haven’t had that kind of support and hope you continue to build up your self-acceptance as you walk your current path. Hope to be a positive part of that journey.

Loading…

Reply
1. The View from a Drawbridge
  
  Mar 7, 2024 at 6:00 pm
  
  I’m so glad that your family was so enlightened and gave you the space to be the wonderful person that you are! In terms of support, my mother did her best. She was a product of her generation (born in 1927), and very little was known about autism when I was growing up. She always emphasized my strength, which is my intelligence. She didn’t say anything about my appearance, which was good, except that that meant I was in for a huge shock in my teens, because that’s when I crashed right into society’s expectations about appearance. Even if I had the urge, there’s no way I could have caught up by then. I knew nothing about fashion or how to apply make up. Personally, I don’t have any interest in it, but the judgment hurt. Teenagers crave acceptance to their detriment. My feelings of being a freak mostly came from outside the family. But my mother did desperately want me to be more socialized, more into group activities and making friends than I was, and she’d push me into situations that made me miserable because of that. She’d have been much better off leaving me to my books. So yes, the “different” message was there, even if it wasn’t intentional. The funny thing is, I’m pretty sure she was on the spectrum, too. She really wanted the best for me. It’s just that she didn’t understand that “best” isn’t generic. I’m glad she never pushed her religion on me, or racism. There were no men in my household, so I didn’t learn about misogyny until much later, and that, too, was a shock. I don’t think feminism ever occurred to her, and she deferred to men even if they constantly demonstrated that they were stupid, and I never could understand that. But she did always tell me I could do anything I set my mind to. She thought I’d be the CEO of a fortune 500 company, which would have made me miserable, and that did make me feel kind of like a failure because I never had the people skills for that, or the energy. So basically, my mother supported me, but her thinking was a bit flawed, mainly due to the times in which she lived. And yes, dear Lyn, you have always been a positive part of my journey, and I hope that continues for many years to come. Namaste.
  
  Loading…
  
  Reply