The View from a Drawbridge

Can someone please explain this to me? For those who haven’t heard, rumors are flying that the government created these recent hurricanes, and that FEMA is confiscating land and not giving people the emergency funds that they’re entitled to. I’m genuinely curious about the belief systems of the people who are buying into this information.

If the government is supposed to be so incompetent that it can’t respond to major emergencies, how is it competent enough to create weather? If global climate change can’t possibly be influenced by Man (capital M, as in all of us), a bit at a time, over a century, then how can one government drum up a hurricane in the space of a few days? How can these contradictory beliefs be held by the same person? And what would motivate the government to all but destroy a huge swath of the country? What would be the benefit?

And why would the goverment want to confiscate land that they’ve intentionally destroyed first? What a PR nightmare it would be to implement such a dastardly plan right before a presidential election. Even from purely a real estate perspective, that would be an idiotic move.

Seriously. I need answers. And Marjorie Taylor Greene and Donald Trump are refusing to give them to me.

Did every Democrat in the country meet along the rim of the Gulf of Mexico, link hands, form a circle a thousand miles wide, and run so quickly in a clockwise direction that we made our own nefarious atmospheric whirlpool? (I hope everyone packed a good, hardy lunch. And how did you not notice when we all called in sick to work at the exact same time? )

Did we obtain or produce, package, and transport enough of some unknown substance to seed an area of 71,000 square miles without anyone seeing even one single step of this process take place? (This figure is based on your standard hurricane, which is approximately 300 miles in diameter.) How many tens of thousands of people would have to be involved to pull that off? Do you think they could all keep that kind of secret? And where are the clandestine photos and videos?

Or perhaps the government constructed a huge fan, with blades that are 5 miles long, and somehow came up with the electricity to power it. (And that figure is based on a general estimate of the average height of a typical hurricane according to a weather expert I know. Because you just try Googling “How tall is a hurricane?” some time. See where that gets you. I really had to work hard for this blog post, believe you me.)

A fan engine of that size would be awfully loud. (I’m assuming you all were wearing your noise cancelling ear buds at the time. Thanks for your cooperation.)

Those conspirators would also have to employ some sort of cloaking device to make this contraption invisible so that they wouldn’t be caught. And they’d have to be so callous as to be okay with the fact that hundreds of airplanes would crash into this invisi-fan, and thousands of people would die. And if wind farms are supposed to cause cancer (sigh), then just imagine how overtaxed the average cancer hospital is about to be. What sneaky bastards.

I’m sorry. I’ve lost all ability to be tactful and polite. (That was never my skill set to begin with.) So I’m not going to sugar coat this. Here’s what I really want to know.

FOR GOD’S SAKE, PEOPLE!!! HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE??? HAVE YOU ALL LOST YOUR DAMNED MINDS???

Just because someone says something, you don’t have to believe it. And if someone has a political agenda, regardless of what it is, I’d believe them even less. Please employ some common sense and some critical thinking skills. Hopefully that muscle hasn’t atrophied within you to the point that it’s the consistency of chewing gum on the bottom of a shoe. Please. Get a grip before I lose all hope in human intelligence.

Here are a few other questions I’d like answered:

1. How is it that you’re holding Kamala Harris responsible for so many current administrative policy decisions (setting aside the fact that those decisions may or may not have actually been made) when no Vice President in the history of this country has had anything but minimal power over presidential policies in the first place?
2. You say that once Kamala Harris became Vice President, she basically maintained radio silence. How is that different than any other VP in our nation’s history? I mean, how often do you hear about anything a VP does? Am I missing some VP information stream that everyone else has access to?
3. How is it possible that people believe that children are coming home from school a different gender than when they left in the morning, without the parent or child’s consent?
   • First of all, it takes more than an afternoon to make such a transition.
   • Second, what would a school be trying to achieve by doing this?
   • Third, most schools require permission slips to go on field trips or join extracurricular activities. Why would they suddenly become so bold as to subject a child to unauthorized surgery of any type? Is the entire judicial system in on this conspiracy, too?

This insanity has to stop. All this reminds me of the 1980 film, The Gods Must Be Crazy. If a Coke bottle hits you in the head, folks, there are a whole lot more logical conclusions to draw than that God is punishing you. More often than not, a Coke bottle is just a Coke bottle. It’s just that your stupid head got in the way. Maybe that’s why you’re no longer using it. Hmmm…

Oh, and p.s.: NO ONE IS EATING THE PETS!!!

Are you wondering what to bring to Thanksgiving dinner? How about my book, Notes on Gratitude? Place your orders now! (Or any other time, since we’re on the subject.) And… thanks!