“What you are doing is hurting me,” I said.
And I even suggested several ways this thing could be done without hurting me. You’d think that would have been enough. And yet he persisted.
Above all things, I try to avoid hurting the ones I love. Sometimes it can’t be avoided, but if it can, then by all means, I take that alternate route. Why would anyone do otherwise?
But in this case, my friend chose to tell me why my feelings were irrational. He informed me that what he was doing was perfectly normal, and that I was “being too sensitive.”
I get that “too sensitive” thing a lot from people. It comes in many forms. “You need to get over it.” “Just brush it off, like water off a duck’s back.” “You’re making too much of it.”
When hearing that, I used to think that maybe this was true, and that somehow I was at fault. But now I have come to believe that the too sensitive gambit is the first tool in any gaslighter’s toolkit. Because how could anyone possibly prove that no, in fact, they’re being just sensitive enough?
Now that I understand that most of the time, “You’re too sensitive” is code for, “Shut up and take it, because your reaction bothers me” it doesn’t make me back down and feel broken. It straight up pisses me off. And really, why should sensitivity, or lack thereof, matter? If someone tells you that you are hurting them, you shouldn’t stop to consider if the hurt is valid or if that hurt is something that you yourself could easily tolerate. You should just stop. Full stop.
I told him that about 10 people had expressed sympathy, concern, shock or consternation upon seeing what he was doing, and one of those people was my therapist, and my friend scoffed at the idea. He responded that hundreds of other people hadn’t said a word, as if this proved it was normal. So I said, “I would like you to give me examples of people in similar situations who have done this thing in this way, because in all my 60 years, this is a new one on me.”
He could not provide any examples. But once he realized this attempt at deflection wasn’t working, he moved on to blaming my reaction on my autistic black and white thinking. Of course, this particular tool did not have quite as sharp a point to it before my recent diagnosis, and I must admit that I do struggle to see shades of grey, but this does not mean that this tactic should be weaponized and deployed whenever someone needs to strike an extremely low blow with me. My disability isn’t something you should launch at me like it’s napalm. And even if my brain is wired differently than yours, even if it dismisses (and considers) different data than yours does, my feelings are my feelings, and I’m entitled to them. And in this case, most of the friends who were equally bothered were neurotypicals, so even that old noodle failed to stick to the wall.
But this guy is a salesman by trade, so when one thing doesn’t work, he’s ready to move right on to the next. And that was when he told me that I was being selfish. I was told I was attempting to prevent him from doing the thing at all, and I had to remind him that I had already suggested many other, appropriate ways that he could do this thing.
The selfishness accusation is a tool that has worked well with me in the past, and he knew it, so it became a strong eddy in the current of this debate. We seemed to circle back around to this a half dozen times before floating on. I genuinely believe that, years from now, should I shuffle off this mortal coil before he does, he’ll have managed to convince himself that my selfishness is what really caused this whole problem. I won’t be around to defend myself, but I also won’t be around to give a damn. It’s all rather sad, really.
The next outrageous arrow to be slung was that I was being childish and insecure, and that I was having a tantrum. Even though he knows intellectually that autistic meltdowns are not manipulative tantrums, emotionally he still goes there. And I am a crier. And this situation had caused me many tears up to this point. But this portion of the argument was occurring via text, post therapy session, so I was able to truthfully say, “What tantrum? I’m just sitting here, calmly drinking a smoothie, a$$hole.”
In fairness, I must admit that once I realized that my friend was working very hard to refuse to see reason, I did give as good as I got. When I’m alone and feeling besieged by someone who appears to prefer hurting me rather than admitting that they’re doing something heinous, words are all I have in my particular arsenal, and I am rather good at deploying them. But having been put in that position on many horrible occasions in my life, I must admit that I lost the plot. I won’t go into detail. It will make me look horrible. And I feel horrible about it. If he wants to tell you, he can get his own damned blog.
From there, of course, he countered by telling me all the ways I have been a burden to the friendship, and/or haven’t passed muster in his estimation. (Perhaps this was some ham-handed attempt to reduce my unforgivable flaw of insecurity? If so, epic fail.)
I don’t think I’d waste so much energy arguing with this guy if I didn’t care so much. The opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, as the saying goes. Our battles are rare, but when they do occur, he does not fight fair. Even so, I’m obliged to fight, too. To hold on. To try to get him to understand me so he’ll stay in my life. People rarely stay in my life.
He learned his strategy at the knee of a gaslighting master. I’m not even sure he knows he does it. But it seems to have served him well up to this point. He always appears so reasonable and logical, until you really get to know how he operates, and you see the desperate attempt to throw everything but the kitchen sink at you to preserve his pride and be considered right.
Unfortunately, he hurts himself as well when he does this, because he knows he’s being a… well, I’ll let you fill in the blank. He doesn’t want to be that way. He buries the pain so deep inside that he doesn’t even know it’s there. When the pressure becomes too much, the emotional pain and anger that comes to the surface is often directed at the wrong person, and it manifests itself in perplexing ways.
I struggle to relate to this. My pain is always on the surface, and pretty much coats everything with a thin, icky crust that flakes off easily. Maybe that’s why it seems as though I’m too sensitive. But at least it gets dealt with.
Anyway, arguments with my gaslighter are rarely resolved to my satisfaction. Usually, once I’ve been sufficiently drained of my life force, he moves on to the “pretending that everything is normal” phase of the cycle. He seems quite content to dwell in that strange place.
Meanwhile, I sit and wonder how a person can be told that their actions cause someone pain and that person’s first instinct is to practically fight to the death to continue to cause that pain. But I’m too tired to do anything but play along. And so the mad hatter’s party revels on, but I enjoy it less and less.
But this time, Dear Reader, I refused to play. I would not let him settle into that comfy normal-esque place that I find so weird. I kept telling him why I was hurt, and I deflected all of his deflections. And honestly, at his core, he’s a good person, and his core takes up much of his person, so I gave him a few days of space to think, and he actually came back and apologized. And I forgave him. And we moved on.
Maybe someday we can skip all the drama in the middle and just hear one another and be kind and apologize at the very start. That would be nice. I know it would be a lot less exhausting.
Gaslighters are very good at what they do. But once you see what their tools are, the components of the gaslight so to speak, and understand how they’re deployed, you can refuse to take their blows. It’s not easy. It takes determination. It takes practice. Unfortunately, it’s a safe bet that you’ll be presented with ample opportunity to hone your craft. So maybe analyze past battles so you can anticipate their tactics in future ones and shore up your defenses and formulate a healthy offense.
But ultimately, what you have to decide is whether the person is worth the effort. Is their gaslighting due to their own trauma (as I genuinely believe is the case with my friend), or are they just psychopaths who enjoy manipulating and inflicting pain? If it’s the latter, you should walk away, because you’ll always lose in that situation. The former scenario is up to you. Try to see what motivates this behavior. Only you can decide if their redeeming qualities outweigh their douchebaggery, and base your decision on whether or not you see any potential to improve communication and exact change.
Never forget that it’s always up to you to stay or go, no matter what the gaslighter says. Don’t let anyone snuff out your light. You deserve much more than that.
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