pee – The View from a Drawbridge

You Do You

It occurs to me that a lot of the conflict and scandal and overall kerfuffle in this world could be avoided if we all stuck to one basic tenet: You do you. I’ll do me. (That is, as long as what you’re doing does not negatively impact others.)

For example, I’ll never understand why people get so worked up over which bathroom people use to pee. For heaven’s sake, there are stalls. You don’t have to watch. It’s not like you’re being peed upon. So why do you care? You pee in your stall, I’ll pee in mine. We’ll both wash our hands, and go about our business. We don’t even have to make eye contact at the sink if you don’t want to. Simple.

And why do you care if people practice another religion or choose not to practice one at all? How is that even your business? Are you worried that they will go to hell? Gimme a break. No you’re not. Worry about your own final destination. A believer ought to be able to trust that the God of his or her understanding will worry about everyone else.

Is there a good reason that you don’t want the best for others? As the saying goes, equal rights isn’t like pie. It’s not as though there won’t be enough for the rest of us if others partake.

Personally, I have a hard enough time keeping my own ducks in a row without trying to deal with everyone else’s flock. So, you do you. I’ll do me. And we’ll both be just ducky.

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How Did Women Pee in Hoop Skirts?

I have thoughts like this all the time. But I really want to know! It must have been a nightmare. I wish my mother were still around to ask. Not that she grew up in that era, of course, but one of our old family stories is that she was the maid of honor at her brother’s themed wedding, and had to wear a hoop skirt. When she went to sit down in the horse-drawn carriage to go to the church, her skirt flew up over her head, and the person sitting across from her had to slap it back down and hold it for the rest of the trip.

Hoop skirts, bustles, whalebone corsets, pantaloons, veils, gloves… I can’t even imagine putting up with such inconvenience. It’s just not in me. I can’t picture the women of today tolerating some sort of new fashion trend that was uncomfortable or hindered their movement. They would think this was insane.

The only antiquated custom of that sort that seems to refuse to die out is the high heel. I long for the day when that ridiculous tradition is a thing of the past. There’s nothing practical, comfortable, or healthy about it, and it slows you down. It holds you back. The only thing I can say about high heels is that they don’t make it harder to pee. But still, I will never wear a pair again.

Update: I just came across this nifty Youtube video that demonstrates exactly how women peed in hoop skirts! Very informative!

Hoopskirt

Points to Ponder Before Getting a Dog

I love dogs. I’ve had at least one my entire adult life. They are an amazing source of unconditional love and companionship and entertainment. They supply much needed body heat on cold winter mornings. And they are great, discreet listeners.

The two dogs I have now, Blue and Devo, have seen me through a lot of changes. My return to college. My drive all the way across the country. And when my boyfriend died, their soft fur often dried my tears. They are my best friends.

Having said that, there are certain responsibilities that you take on when getting a dog that many people don’t even consider. But you owe it to a dog to think about these things before you bring it home. Its very life will be in your hands. That’s a big deal.

First of all, if you are someone who likes to go out for coffee with friends after work, you can forget about that. If you own a dog, you’ll have to go straight home and let him out to pee. In fact, your whole world will revolve around your dog’s pee schedule. And the smaller the dog, the smaller his or her bladder will be. So forget about sleeping in on a Sunday morning. If you don’t have a safely fenced yard, you will be walking this dog, rain or shine, cold weather or warm, several times a day, for the rest of its life. If you don’t see this as a pleasure, you may not be a dog person.

There are also the expenses to consider. Dog food isn’t cheap. (And don’t you DARE go for that Walmart Rob Roy stuff. It has no nutritional value, and it is the doggy equivalent of torture by food.) Vet bills aren’t cheap either, and you’ll have those at least once a year when you get their annual shots. And if they wind up with a chronic, not life threatening, ailment, that can cost a fortune, too. Then there are city licenses, pet rental deposits, the occasional toy or treat, and if you want to travel without your dog, kennel expenses or dog sitters can cost nearly as much as your hotel bill.

And expect to have increased housework. More sweeping, mopping, and carpet shampooing. And a dog needs a bath now and then, and its nails will need clipping. And I guarantee you that at least once in your dog’s life, you’re going to come home to find garbage strewn all over the house. It seems to be some sort of rite of passage. And if you think they’re going to keep their muddy paws off your furniture, think again. In fact, you can forget about having nice furniture.

If you’re a renter, your landlord won’t like you anymore. He’ll be worried that the dog is destroying the dwelling and/or infesting it with fleas, and he’ll make you pay through the nose for that. And your neighbors will complain when the dog barks. Count on it. The majority of people won’t rent to you at all. Full stop.

Oh, and fleas. Don’t even get me started. Fleas, ticks, dead animals, rolling in cat poo (the dog, not you)… all these things will become a part of your life.

But believe it or not, I’m not trying to talk you out of owning a dog. In fact, I highly recommend it. I just want you to think it through and know what you’re getting yourself into. Knowledge is power.

So many dogs need good and loving homes. And if you get one, I hope you’ll consider a rescue, and never buy from a pet shop. They just encourage puppy mills.

Remember, too, that dogs are social creatures. So if you leave your dog all alone, tied up in your back yard, I may just have to hunt you down and force feed you a 25 pound bag of dried kibble. And for heaven’s sake, please spay or neuter your pet. It’s the right thing to do.

(These are my boys. The photos were taken by me, and then artistically enhanced via Photoshop by my friend Martin. Thanks, man!)

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The Secret Lives of my Dogs

I came home from work today to the smell of pee and saw a look of utter shame on both my dogs’ faces. The worst part about it is I can’t find where they did it. I’ve been crawling around on my hands and knees sniffing away, with no luck. Disgusting.

I wish I could afford to install a hidden camera in the house so I could see what my boys do when I’m not around. Peeing only takes a few seconds. What do they do the rest of the time? Play poker? Throw wild parties? Watch kitty porn? They definitely don’t do housework. And as often as I’ve told them to get a job, the suggestion seems to have fallen on deaf ears. I’m such an enabler.

It’s disconcerting to think that my dogs have lives that I know nothing about. They have secrets. They know more about each other than I do about either one of them.

If they could speak, I wonder what they’d say to me? I wonder what they think about me? It’s a safe bet that they inwardly laugh when they see me crawling around sniffing for pee.

Cough. Gag. Found it! The bath mat. Well, at least it wasn’t the carpet. But still, yuck.

[Image credit: toplowridersites.com]