One of the nice little perks you get when blogging on WordPress is that you can see what search phrases people have typed in to find your blog. Sometimes these come in the form of questions or strange statements and I long to have the ability to contact these people and respond. Never fear. Your confidentiality is preserved. But that doesn’t make my urge to reply go away, unfortunately. So here are some search phrases that have cropped up on my blog, my responses to them, and links to the blog entries they were most likely directed to.
How do I know if my boyfriend is a father figure? Well, dear reader, if that is truly a concern, I hope that you will take the time to seriously consider your motivations, because that would not be a healthy relationship. I’m no expert, but if you are not on an equal footing with your partner then at least one of you will eventually become resentful. No one should want to be forced into a parenting role, nor should an adult want to be treated like a child. If your boyfriend truly wants to be called daddy, then all you have to do is keep having unsafe sex. Fred Rogers Was My Father
Why do I get a scratchy throat when I go to Walmart? My question would be, does this happen to you in every Walmart, or just one? It wouldn’t be unheard of that you have an allergic reaction to a particular building. It’s called “Sick Building Syndrome.” But if it’s happening in every Walmart, you’re probably like me and have a visceral reaction to Walmarts in general. I think it’s a sensitivity to the negative atmosphere, the crowds, and the crass consumerism. Or maybe it’s because Walmart is part of an alien conspiracy to suck out our collective soul. What’s Walmart Up to Now?
Why do women leave their cart in the middle of the aisle when shopping? Well, my first instinct is to berate you for assuming that only women do this, and try to patiently explain that the reason you’ve probably only seen women do this is that women are usually stuck doing the bulk of the shopping. Thank you for breaking that mold. For what it’s worth, if you go to this link you’ll see that it bugs me, too. Why I hate Shopping at Walmart.
Are people supposed to drive on drawbridges? I’m assuming that you understand that when a bridge is down and the traffic lights are green, it’s okay to drive on them. I suppose you’re asking if people can drive on them as they’re opening like they do in the movies. As a bridgetender, I can tell you that this is actually impossible. As the bridge begins to open up, a gap widens at the base. Your car would fall in that, and/or hit the rising bridge if you’re going fast enough. Even if it were physically possible though, it would be an extremely stupid thing to attempt. If you like your life you might want to reconsider. Whenever I see one of those jump-the-drawbridge scenes, my first thought is that some poor bridgetender is going to have a lot of paperwork to do. I write about drawbridges a great deal, so there are dozens of potential entries that this person might have been directed to. Just do a search on drawbridge on my main page.
Best time to drive through Jacksonville, Florida. Three a.m. would be my response. Jacksonville traffic is horrible, and the people in this city do not know how to drive. I will warn you, though, that there must be a dead Indian buried beneath I-95 just south of Jacksonville, because we get an unusual number of accidents down there. My theory is that people from New England, where the states are tiny, think that once they’re in Florida they will be able to push on through to Disney in one shot, and when they get through Jacksonville and realize they’ve still got many hours to go, they’re so tired that they start to drive fast and stupidly. So be careful! Jacksonville, Florida: America’s Best Kept Secret or My Jacksonville Indulgence
I see sneaky people. They are definitely out there. But if you took the time to Google this, dear reader, you obviously consider this a real problem in your life. I strongly suggest you seek counseling, especially if those people are telling you to do harm to the author of this particular blog. Sneaky Memes
Can I machine wash a tuxedo? I have an image of a young boy, just after his prom, searching this phrase in a total panic because his date has barfed all over his suit. If it’s a rental, you are in soooooo much trouble. But for the love of God, don’t try to machine wash it. You’ll only make it worse. If you own it, I wouldn’t risk a major investment like a Tux in a washing machine. Definitely have it dry cleaned and hope for the best. Trapped on the Washing Machine in a Powder Blue Tux
Prostitution Buenos Aires how much? Well, I must say I admire the fact that you are trying to do your due diligence and not get ripped off. Oh, did you mean how much prostitution is there in Buenos Aires? Sorry. Either way, I have no idea. But you might want to watch how you phrase your questions. I bet you got some interesting hits. The Pope and Higgs Boson: Too Much God to Digest all at Once?
Does Pho give you forks? You should never be ashamed to ask for a fork at a restaurant that serves pho. I don’t blame you for not wanting to miss even a little bit. They might not give you one automatically, but it’s always okay to ask. Life is Like a Bowl of Pho
I need a good response to don’t get your knickers in a twist. Of all the search phrases, this is the one I wanted to respond to the most. And I probably could come up with an entire blog entry just for it. In fact, it might be fun. But just off the cuff, I’d say, “Don’t touch what you can’t afford, Sunshine, even if you’re only doing it in your dreams.” Don’t Get Your Knickers in a Twist
Andy Johnson is a joke, Jacksonville. I couldn’t agree with you more, dear reader. And apparently we are not alone, because I get searches along these lines an average of five times a day. And I’ll be writing about that very topic once every three months or so until I get the money back that he’s stolen from me. Andy Johnson, SHAME on you!!!
I want to express my heartfelt appreciation to everyone who stumbles upon my blog and takes the time to read it. I hope some of your questions get answered, at the very least, and I hope you’ll come back, and share my entries with others. Thanks!