Today I drove through a part of the city that I hadn’t been to in years. 25 years ago I went there every day for work. So today I could almost see myself walking into my old office. And there was my old car in its parking space. And there I was, sitting at the picnic table where I used to eat lunch while reading a book.
It occurred to me that people leave an emotional signature behind them like an airplane leaves a contrail. I was so unhappy back then, so lonely. And I hated my job so much that the first thing I’d think every morning was, “I don’t want to go.” Driving through there brought it all back to me. I wish I could talk to that old me and tell her that things really would get better, that I wouldn’t always feel that hopeless and discounted and adrift.
This is why I get so angry when someone commits suicide. How can you know? Not only is it a selfish act that hurts everyone who is connected to you, but you’re depriving yourself of the potentiality of life. You have no way of knowing what the future will bring, who you will meet, what opportunities will present themselves to you.
Think of the person you were 20 years ago. Could that person have imagined where you are and who you are right now? Most likely not. And as far as I am concerned, that’s what gives me hope during the hard times, and adds to my excitement when things are going well. Life is one big surprise party. You may as well stick around. There just might be cake.
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The View from a Drawbridge 
A very thoughtful and well written post!!!
You sound surprised. 🙂
No I don’t.
This post hit me in the gut. Take it back 40 years ago. There I was same state of mind, same space, empty soul. What gives us the strength to fight through. My Brother commited suicide back then, still don’t know why. I think that is why no matter how desperate I was, I trugged on through. Speed through 1, 2, 3 more years and I started to focus on life again. It was like a fog lifting. Days became months, months became years. And now at the twilight of my life, those dark times made the bright times brighter, richer and allowed me to be me again.
Thank You so much for this one.
Wow. It means a lot to me that this one resonated so strongly with you.
My uncle committed suicide a few years ago, and although we were never particularly close, I’m still quite angry about it. His wife was the one who found his body, and he knew that would be the case. And he left such devastation in his wake. The arrogance. Assuming that you KNOW that every minute of your future is going to be as miserable as your present…that’s what gets to me. The selfishness and the arrogance.
Suicide is the coward’s path. It is the most selfish act to leave those that love you, to harbor the truth that you will no longer be a part of their lives. It takes so much more courage to face the present, to move forward into the unknown future, and swallow all the bitter pills that we must swallow in this life. Those of us that have been so close to the edge, come back stronger than ever. We also have a better insight into what life is really all about.
You have given me such a valuable gift through your incredible words, Who would have thought that My Daughter sending me “The Cigarette Girl and the Waving Man” would have enriched my life so much.
She enriched my life at the very same time, Carole. It’s a pleasure to know you. 🙂