Loneliness or Something Else?

I had an epiphany on my way to work today. (Kids, try to avoid epiphanies when you’re behind the wheel of a moving vehicle.) Here it is: I don’t think I’m lonely after all. Here I’ve been, obsessing over my loneliness since I’ve moved to Seattle, and trying to figure out ways to make friends, when in fact loneliness is not my issue.

I haven’t had to think about this in decades because I’ve always had someone in my life, but the fact is I’m perfectly capable of entertaining myself. I’m not bored with my own company. In fact, I’m quite comfortable when I’m alone. It’s the only time I can truly be myself. I like being able to sleep when I want and do what I want and eat what I want. I enjoy the luxury of a total lack of need for compromise. So it’s not loneliness that I’m feeling.

I don’t think there’s a word for what I’m feeling. It’s part grieving for my late boyfriend, and I think that is effecting me in a whole multitude of ways. And it’s definitely part unsatisfied sex drive. (Why does nature bother putting these urges in people beyond child bearing age? Life would be so much easier without them!) But I’m not an animal. I require an emotional connection with someone before I can feel intimate, so this attempt at connection has been disguising itself as loneliness, I think. And then there’s a need for reassurance, as driven by self-doubt. It would be nice to have someone around to say, “You’re doing okay.” (I really need to work on not needing that so much.)

Once I figured out that I’m not lonely, I felt this massive weight lift off my shoulders. It’s not some social deficit on my part. I haven’t failed some test. I just need to shift my focus and re-prioritize and let the universe unfold as it should. I’m doing okay.

[Image credit: seethegood.net]

Author: The View from a Drawbridge

I have been a bridgetender since 2001, and gives me plenty of time to think and observe the world. View all posts by The View from a Drawbridge