Ever since my autism diagnosis two years ago, life has been a roller coaster of self-discovery. (Unfortunately, it has also sometimes been a mosh pit of discovery about other people, but that’s a subject for another day.) I feel like I know myself about 1000 times more now than I did prior to my diagnosis, and that has been, more often than not, a relief. Knowledge really is power.
Most of my life, I’ve walked around with a lot of unanswered questions. What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I be like everyone else? Because I could never answer those questions, I always felt broken, and that did quite a bit of damage to my psyche. There are days when I mourn for the person I could have been if I had known I was autistic sooner. But it’s too late for that.
At least now I know I’m not broken. I just run on an entirely different operating system. The more I learn about my system, the more I’m able to thrive within it, and that’s an amazing feeling. With each new bit of data, I take a step forward. It’s exciting.
Even the tiniest epiphanies make me feel giddy. I almost hear this audible click in my head. “Oh! That’s why…”
For example, the other day, Dear Husband was trying on a pair of sunglasses, and it was, like, bow-chicka-BOW-WOW! If I were capable of purring, I think I would have.
I’ve always found men in sunglasses insanely attractive. And since I find Dear Husband attractive even without sunglasses, when he put sunglasses on… yowza! Holy screamin’ cats, but I have good taste in husbands!
I was thinking about that the next day during my commute to work. What is it about sunglasses? And… click! I realized what it is.
When people wear sunglasses, the pressure is off me. I don’t have to worry about avoiding their eyes. (Many people on the spectrum prefer to avoid eye contact because we get an overwhelming amount of information from eyes, and it can be hard to take.) Even better, if I’m feeling the need to mask (in other words, pretend I’m “normal”), I don’t have to worry about avoiding their eyes while pretending I’m not avoiding their eyes.
Sunglasses are autism heaven!!!!
Like the way my neurodivergent mind works? Then you’ll enjoy my book! http://amzn.to/2mlPVh5
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