Dear Reader, I feel as though I have been trapped in a labyrinth of insanity for several weeks now. (And this isn’t even a political post! Imagine!) Everywhere I turn, when I consult with “experts”, I get advice that is so patently absurd that I want to tear my hair out in clumps. No. That’s not true. I want to tear their hair out in clumps. (The mere act of editing this post for spelling errors has my stomach tied in knots.)
What follows are a few of the many bureaucratic traumas that I have been subjected to of late. I’ve edited them for clarity, because believe me, you do not want to experience the unedited version as I did. I hate bureaucracies with the heat of a thousand suns.
If one more person tries to tell me they’re just doing their job…
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Hospital Billing Person (via telephone): Your insurance company rejected your claim for your recent emergency room visit.
Me: That’s because the visit was due to an automobile accident, so the insurance claim will be covered by my auto insurance agency. I gave you their information a month ago.
Barely Legal Billing Newbie: Well, you will need to give that information to your health insurance agency.
Me: And why would that hold you up? They’ve already determined that the claim won’t be covered by them and won’t have anything to do with them. They’ve sent it back to you. I’ve given you the auto insurance information.
Deaf Dingbat: But they will still need it.
Me (clinging desperately to the end of my rope as I dangle above a pit of pure outrage): Do you want to get paid, or what? Are you going to submit the bill to my auto insurance company?
Contrite Clerk (after a muffled conversation with a coworker): We’ll process it through your auto insurance.
Me: Thank you.
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Me (Leaving a message, after having waited on the phone on hold for 15 minutes): I would like to make an appointment, but it has to be March 10th or later, and it has to be with Dr Jones, and it has to be on a Monday or a Tuesday. I tried to use your online appointment setter thingy, as your voicemail suggested, but after having filled out the entire form, it said I’d have to call anyway. Again. So, please call me, and maybe stop routing people to a form that makes you call anyway.
Doctor’s office: (Leaving me a message): Hi Brenda! We’ve made an appointment for you for Wednesday, February 12th at 10:30 with Dr. Smith. Please confirm.
Me: (Leaving a message) Hi. Sorry I missed your call. First, my name is Barbara, not Brenda. As previously stated, second, I need to see Dr. Jones, not Dr. Smith. Third, the appointment has to be a Monday or a Tuesday. Fourth, It has to be March 10th or later.
Nitwit: (Leaving a message): Hello Barbara. Just to clarify, do you want the appointment on Wednesday, February 12th or not?
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My Human Resources Department (via email): Barbara, unfortunately, we can’t reimburse you for the meal that you claimed in the amount of $187 on December 17th, because you only worked 8 hours that day, and you can only be reimbursed for a meal if you work 12 hours or more. (Included was a screen shot of my time sheet, showing that I only worked 8 hours, as if I didn’t already know that.) In addition, the amount of the meal is excessive.
Me: I never requested to be reimbursed for a meal on December 17th, and I have never spent 187 dollars on dinner for one in my entire life.
HR Simpleton: Yes you did. You sent us this receipt. (screen shot of a receipt.)
Me: That receipt is for my annual boot allowance. The receipt is from a shoe store. The itemized bill says it’s for boots. There’s a photo of a boot on the receipt. The paperwork I submitted with the receipt was entitled, “Request for one time payment for boot allowance.”
Total Ninny: Oh, I see what happened. You submitted a request for a meal allowance for December 5th, a date when you did work 12 hours. You must have accidentally attached the boot allowance receipt to it.
Me: I could not have done so, because I submitted the meal allowance on December 5th, even as I was eating the meal, and as you can see, the boot receipt is dated December 17th, so it did not exist when I submitted the meal allowance paperwork.
(Update: They’ve since paid me for the boots. Twice. They have yet to pay me for the meal.)
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Me: Since my employer has a new payroll system and everything is a mess, I would like an itemized statement of everything that has gone into my pension plan each month for the past two years, please, so I can be sure it’s correct, as the Year to Date figure that my employer has provided seems to be about 9,000 dollars less than it should be.
Pension Plan Person: Um… There’s no way for us to do that.
Me: Every investment I have ever made in my entire adult life has been able to provide me with that information.
Total Nincompoop : No one has ever asked us for that before.
Me: Seriously? How do you come up with your figures? I’m just supposed to have faith that the records are correct, and that the $500 a month (fictional amount) that’s going in should actually come to a total of $1,500 for the year, and that math somehow goes through a black hole in your computer and that’s okay?
Desperately Dense Doofus: Let me get my supervisor.
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Me: My niece and nephew are my beneficiaries for my IRA, and I just happened to be looking at my account online, and it is showing that they live at two random addresses in Montana. Neither of them has ever lived in Montana. Can I get you to correct this, please?
IRA Account Mismanager: You will have to submit a notarized change of beneficiary address form for them and mail it to us.
Me: But their addresses haven’t changed. I gave you their proper addresses and you put them into your system incorrectly.
IRA Idiot (with eyes glazed over): You will have to submit a notarized change of beneficiary address form for them and mail it to us.
Me (Feeling my wheels starting to spin without gaining any traction): So you’re telling me… Oh, for f*ck’s sake. Never mind. I’ll send you the form.
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Me: May I speak to John Doe, please.
Lazy coworker of John Doe: He has taken a 15 minute break. Please call back at that time.
Me: Could you please leave him a message? The first time I called, I was on hold for 20 minutes. Then you answered, and transferred me to his line, but I somehow got disconnected en route. I then called back and waited 20 minutes yet again to speak to you. Please, can you just write my name and number down for him?
Worthless cog in the corporate wheel: Well, I can’t guarantee that the message will get to him.
Me: How many people are in your department?
Stupid cow: Three.
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