support – Page 4 – The View from a Drawbridge

Under my Umbrella… ella… ella…

One thing you can’t get away from in Seattle is beggars at stop lights. It breaks my heart because I want to help them, but I can barely help myself. And even if I could afford to help, there are just so many of them, so who do I choose? And which ones would spend it in healthy ways? And it always makes me think of all the people who helped me get to Seattle. Some day when I’m up on my feet I’ll pay it forward. But today is not that day. I can’t even see my feet from here. So I wind up at the red light looking down and dying a little inside.

But today the old man whose gaze I was trying to avoid was holding a sign that said “Need help… and a large umbrella.” Well, I happened to have a spare umbrella in the car so I handed it to him. It wasn’t a large one, but it was better than nothing. He thanked me. I’ve had that umbrella for 30 years. Not that I was emotionally attached to it. Just habit.

[Image credit: vulgaire.com]

So I did what I could. And isn’t that what we all try to do? The best that we can. It’s the only way we survive on this cold rock floating through space. It can’t be done alone.

Now my umbrella is off on a new adventure. I’m hoping that if he gets a bigger one, he’ll pass mine off to someone else in need. I suspect that he will. He’s been there.

I Really Need Your Help

Believe me, I hate to ask. I’d much rather help others than be helped myself. The fact is, I’m desperate.

I’ve been through a lot in the past 5 years. I’ve been swindled out of 3,500.00 (read more about that here), my car has been totaled, I lost my life savings (read more about that here), I incurred another useless degree and a student loan to go along with it (read more about that here), the love of my life died unexpectedly (read more about that here), and I was therefore kicked out of my apartment.

But I have this one chance to turn my life around. I got this phenomenal job offer, one that would change my life dramatically, but it’s on the other side of the continent. Relocating will cost me $10,000. I’m about $5,000 short, so a friend suggested I try crowdfunding. The fact that I’ve already had contributions, several from people who have never even met me, others whom I haven’t seen in decades, humbles me and brings tears to my eyes. This reaffirmation of my faith in humanity is even more valuable than the money could ever be.

My life is one Big Do Over, so that’s what I decided to call my Indiegogo crowdfunding campaign. Check it out here. Also check out the related video below.

Even if you are struggling as much as I am, and therefore can’t help financially, you can help me a great deal by spreading the word. Repost this blog entry, please, or share it on social media in as many ways as you can. Thanks in advance.

(For those of you who get this via e-mail, the video can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNC1bagplxo )

Words of Encouragement and Emotional Support

I was just talking to a friend of mine and she told me a story. When her husband was in hospice, his mother would talk to him on the phone but would never tell him she loved him. In fact, in the 60 years he had been on the planet, she had never told him. Not even once.

One day after one of those phone calls, which the son ended by saying, “I love you, Mom”, and the mother ended by saying “Bye”, my friend went barging into her mother-in-law’s room and said, “What is WRONG with you? Why can’t you tell your own son that you love him?”

She replied, “He knows I love him.”

“No, Mom, actually, he doesn’t. He’s your only child and he’s dying. You should be rocking him in your arms. You should be telling him that you love him. You should be telling him you are proud of him. The fact that you aren’t doing so just shows what a cruel and heartless old shrew you are.”

The woman didn’t say a word. She stayed in her room the rest of the evening and then went to sleep. The next day she woke up and called her son and told him she loved him. And she did so every day for the next several weeks until he finally died. And it meant everything to him. It’s all he had ever wanted from her.

This is not an isolated incident. There are a lot of people out there who think that their actions are enough, that they don’t have to reinforce them with words. Yes, that man’s mother had fed him and clothed him and sent him off to school and made him chicken soup when he had a cold. Yes, those are forms of love. She never neglected his needs and she wasn’t physically abusive toward him, and he turned out to be a good person. Maybe that should be enough.

But why is it so hard to add just one more simple thing to the mix, the one thing that costs not one penny, and takes no physical effort at all? Words of encouragement. Words of support. Confirmation of love.

Here are some words that are worth more than gold, that I, personally, have longed to hear on more than one occasion:

I admire you.
I have faith in you. Don’t give up.
I’m proud of the life that you live.
I love you so much.
You are my favorite person on earth.
You have always been there for me. Thank you.
I want to be just like you when I grow up.
You are doing a good job.
I’m so glad you are a part of my life.
Thank you for all you’ve done. I know it hasn’t been easy.
I’m a better person for having known you.
I think of you often, and I smile.
I appreciate all that you do.
You can do it.
I’m proud to be seen with you.
I like your style.
You are a good person.
I always look forward to seeing you.
You mean the world to me.
You make a difference in my life.
Thank you for everything you’ve taught me. It hasn’t gone unnoticed.

If you just chose one of these phrases a day and said it to someone who is a part of your life, whether it be a friend, a relative, a neighbor or a coworker, it would take less than 3 seconds of your time, but you would see a positive change in your relationships.

So the next time you feel the urge to tease someone or take them for granted, try this instead. The next time you feel the urge to close yourself off or withhold affection, try this instead. The next time you THINK something positive but don’t have the courage to share it, try this instead. The next time you say something nice ABOUT someone but not TO them, try this instead. Think of it as an experiment if you must. It might feel awkward at first, and it may make you feel vulnerable, but it will be the best thing you’ve ever done in your life, and you’ll be amazed at the positive feedback you’ll receive.

You can do it. I have faith in you.

[Image credit: booooooom.com]

Do Republican Women Hate Themselves?

When I was in college I was invited to join the youth division of a service organization called the Rotary Club, and I was seriously considering it. I thought it would look great on resumes and applications, and it would be wonderful to have a positive impact on this world.

Then I had a conversation with one of my professors. “Why on earth,” he said, “would you even think about joining an organization that does not allow adult women to join?” (Although the Rotary Club does allow women in its membership now, it didn’t at the time, and hadn’t for the first 75 years or so of its existence.)

That’s really all it took for me to give it a pass. No way was I going to lend my talent, effort and enthusiasm to an organization that, upon my 19^th birthday, would deem me unworthy to join their ranks based solely on the fact that I did not have the requisite reproductive organs.

From that day forward I’ve always been rather befuddled by women who endorse any group or philosophy that supports the notion that women are in any way inferior. In particular, I will never understand why a woman would join the Republican Party here in the United States. Let’s look at their policies:

Republicans don’t mind you having birth control covered by your insurance, as long as you don’t work for an organization that would get upset about it. For example, if you have a job in a Catholic organization, regardless of your own particular religion, they think it’s okay for you to be deprived of your right to affordable contraceptives.
They also do not see any problem at all with a woman earning less than a man for doing the same job.
They do not support or condone the equal rights amendment.
They want to cut the funding for WIC, a federal aid program for pregnant women, breastfeeding women, and children under the age of five.
If you want to be totally outraged, simply Google “Republican” and “Rape”. Their views, even the less extreme ones, make it quite obvious that they are still of the philosophy that most women bring it on themselves. They aren’t even comfortable with the idea that we should reform policies to crack down on sexual assault in the military.
Conservatives oppose the support of violence prevention programs and battered women’s shelters, as evidenced by their opposition to the Violence Against Women Act.
They have practically criminalized the term “Planned Parenthood”. In 2009, this organization, according to Wikipedia, “provided 4,009,549 contraceptive services (35% of total), 3,955,926 sexually transmitted disease services (35% of total), 1,830,811 cancer related services (16% of total), 1,178,369 pregnancy/prenatal/midlife services (10% of total), 332,278 abortion services (3% of total), and 76,977 other services (1% of total), for a total of 11,383,900 services. The organization also said its doctors and nurses annually conduct 1 million screenings for cervical cancer and 830,000 breast exams.” And 75 percent of their clients have incomes 150 percent below the poverty level. Oh, yeah! These folks are EVIL!

And let’s talk about the elephant in the room, shall we? Abortion. Many women that I’ve talked to identify themselves with the Republican Party because it is opposed to abortion.

Here’s what utterly confounds me about this line of thinking. I am opposed to smoking. There is overwhelming proof that it kills you. But never in a million years would I try to introduce legislation that would prevent a consenting adult from making the choice to smoke, as insane as I think that choice may be. That choice means, effectively, that that person is killing a full grown human being and possibly people in their vicinity. And if they’re pregnant, they’re flooding the fetus with carcinogens. These are people who are loved by others, and often depended upon by others. But it is not for me to decide what he or she does with his or her own body.

So in essence, women who join the Republican Party because they oppose abortion are NOT saying, “I disagree with abortions, so I’ll never have one, and I will try and talk my loved ones out of having one.” That I could respect. But no, what they are saying is, “I disagree with abortions, so I want to join a political party that is hell bent on depriving every woman of the right to make their own life choices, because the male-dominated political arena is more capable of doing that for them. I also want to reverse the law of the land and put desperate women who are doing desperate things in jail, and relegate the rest of them to back alleys and coat hangers, so that instead of just the fetus being killed, the woman will be killed too.”

Yup, sorry. If my choice is between saving the life of a full grown, fully developed human being or a fetus, as distasteful as having to make a choice of that kind may be, I’m going to choose the adult every single time. And the irony is that if you oppose family planning and sex education and access to contraceptives as the Republicans do, you give women two choices when the inevitable unwanted pregnancy comes along. Either they become brood mares or they seek the very abortions you oppose.

I don’t get it. Why on earth would any woman want to join the war on women? Do they hate themselves and their daughters and their sisters? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

I am braced for outraged comments, but I hope people have the good sense to realize that I’m expressing my opinion, and I’d love it if someone could make me understand, but I really don’t see that happening.

Even if you personally never take advantage of the programs, benefits, and services that the Republicans so vehemently oppose, if you are a Republican, you are depriving women, not men, of those programs, benefits and services. As a woman, how can you do that?

There’s no reasonable explanation for supporting a group that does not support you.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

[Image credit: opednews.com]

The Shortest News Cycle in the History of the World

On April 24^thof this year a factory collapsed in Dhaka, Bangladesh, killing more than 1,000 people who were just desperately trying to make a living of about $1.50 a day. They worked obscenely long hours for this money in an overcrowded building with no air conditioning, outdated and dangerous equipment and unhealthy drinking water. All the exits in this building were on the same side and there were very few windows. Not that anyone could have gotten out anyway. It was all over in less than 10 seconds, and the deaths of these people were every bit as horrendous as their lives had been.

The question is, why are we not still talking about this? Why are we not outraged, disgusted, horrified? If this had happened in America it would be a scandal of epic proportions. We’d be talking about it for decades. There would be legislation, there would be investigations, there would be a massive outpouring of support for the victims’ families.

Is the desire for low cost T-shirts really that much greater than the sanctity of human life? Is it that we feel that all non-American lives are insignificant? People in Bangladesh died? Sorry to hear that. Next!

American companies that buy from these factories do insist on a certain level of health and safety standards, but in order to make a profit these standards are overlooked. And we know it. Let’s not upset the apple cart. Wink, wink.

I’m not suggesting that we boycott Bangladeshi products. Good God, if we do, they’d starve to death. The workers don’t deserve that. But these health and safety standards have to be enforced. And it is estimated that if we would be willing to pay just 10 cents more per garment, these factories could be retrofitted and the health and safety of these workers could be achieved. Are you willing to pay 10 cents more for that? I am.

Meanwhile, even as you read this, the factories of Dhaka continue to grind out their products, grinding their workers down at the same time, ensuring that their lives are nasty, brutish and short.

And we’re not talking about it. Shame on us.

Compassionate Friends

Recently a dear friend of mine lost a grandchild who wasn’t even a year old. And then I found out that it was the two year anniversary of the death of the adult daughter of my landlady. I didn’t really know what to say to either of these women. I can’t say I know how they feel. I have no children. I can’t imagine a greater loss, though. Parents aren’t supposed to survive their children. It’s not natural. It’s not right. It’s beyond cruel.

My heart breaks for both of them, and for anyone who finds themselves in similar circumstances. While I am at a loss for words in these situations, I can listen, and I hope that helps, because I think it’s important for people to talk about it, and often people don’t want to hear it. It makes them too uncomfortable. But fortunately there’s an even better source of support out there. It’s called Compassionate Friends, and it’s a support group for people who have lost children, regardless of the child’s age at the time of death.

Compassionate friends has chapters in all 50 states in the US, as well as Washington DC, Puerto Rico and Guam. They also have an online community and a crisis hotline. I strongly encourage you to visit their website and find a chapter near you if you need to talk, or need to be around people who can truly understand what you’re going through.

You are not alone.

Tag: support

Pain

But the scariest part about it is that I’ll have no one to hold my hand through this situation. I still haven’t made strong connections in this city. It’s funny how just knowing someone is going to be there for you can help you bear discomfort. Moral support is the best pain relief of all.

Granted, some painkillers are dangerous and addictive and should only be taken in moderation and with medical supervision. I get that. But even in those circumstances, I say hook me up.

Under my Umbrella… ella… ella…

So I did what I could. And isn’t that what we all try to do? The best that we can. It’s the only way we survive on this cold rock floating through space. It can’t be done alone.

Now my umbrella is off on a new adventure. I’m hoping that if he gets a bigger one, he’ll pass mine off to someone else in need. I suspect that he will. He’s been there.

Oh, I Get It. You Don’t Care.

I have a friend that I enjoy talking to, but I’ve long since discovered that she is not someone to seek out if I want to vent or feel the need for compassion or commiseration. She just doesn’t want to hear it. She’s a classic See-No-Evil type of person.

Oh, she’ll be quite happy to talk about herself, or about things that we do together, She enjoys making plans with me. She likes to get advice from me. She loves to discuss current events or movies or politics. We can go off and do fun things and she makes me laugh.

But if, for example, I say something like, “I think I might be fired from my job,” any typical friend would say, “My God, why?” Not her. Never her. Probing questions are not in her nature. A statement such as that would be met with stony silence.

The older I get, the more I realize that crop rotation allows for more fertile fields in the realm of friendships as well as in the realm of vegetables. Variety is the spice of life!

The Fine Art of Begging

The campaign ended just the other day, and much to my shock and awe I did reach 50 percent of my goal. But even more valuable than the money was all that I learned from the experience, about myself and about others. I never realized what a ride it would be until I hopped on.

First of all, as one might expect, it’s kind of humiliating to have to beg for money. Essentially, you are telling the entire world, “I can’t do this on my own.” No one likes to admit that.

I am humbled by everyone who supported me emotionally as well as financially. The memories of that will be more precious than gold long after this debt is nothing but a bad memory. And some day when I’m able, I plan to pay this generosity forward. That’s a promise.

It is when you have to bare your soul and humble yourself way beyond your comfort zone that you truly discover who your friends are, and that the world is a generous place, indeed. What a gift.

Taking on Extra Passengers

Yes, I’m traveling across country. No, I’m not picking up hitchhikers. I’d never do that. I want to live. But as the miles of asphalt roll beneath my wheels, I’m ever mindful of all the people I have pulling for me on this trip.

There are also the friends who couldn’t help financially, but were there emotionally. That’s priceless, too. In the midst of melt downs, when I despaired of finding a place to live, when I lost my car, when self-doubt crept in, they kept me grounded.

All these people, every single one, is with me in spirit as I drive across the continent. I can feel them urging me ever onward, encouraging me forward. Because of them I am not alone. It’s an amazing feeling that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life.

But you guys will have to pay for your own hotel rooms. Just sayin’. A girl has got to draw the line somewhere.