love – Page 9 – The View from a Drawbridge

The Gorilla Suit

I know the exact second I fell in love with Chuck. We were sitting on the roof of the house I used to own. (He was a roofer, so I could never have gotten to know him if I had remained on the ground.) We had been talking sporadically all week, but on this day we talked for 4 hours about everything under the sun including his pending divorce. It was one of those classic getting-to-know-you conversations where everything is fascinating because you have yet to hear each other’s stories. And oh my God, but Chuck could tell some stories! I was really intrigued by this man.

But the tipping point, for me, was the gorilla suit story. He and his wife had been starting a business, one that required her skills to succeed, but he wanted to help it be a success, too. So he bought a gorilla suit. He wore this black, heavy, hairy suit for hours at a time in the blazing Florida sun while holding a sign for the business. He did that day in and day out, and it did help them build up a customer base.

I looked at him and thought, “This is a man of quality.” “This is a man who doesn’t mind making a fool of himself for the greater good of his family.” “This guy is determined. He doesn’t give up. He gives everything he has for the people he cares about.”

And just like that I fell in love.

But my roof was officially done and the sun was starting to set. He got up to leave, and I thought, “If he climbs down that ladder, he’s going to walk out of my life and I’ll never see him again.” So right there on that roof, I kissed him, not even knowing if he was as attracted to me as I was to him. And I felt it in my knees.

We were together, on again and off again, but together, for the rest of his life. And I will miss him for the rest of mine.

There he is. The man of my dreams.

A Day of Rememberance

Today is the day that they will scatter the ashes of Chuck Guerra, the man I loved most in the world. It will be done off the jetties on Hutchinson Island, Florida, because it was one of the places he loved most in the world.

We would walk out there and sit on a bench and watch the sun go down behind us. We’d watch the sandpipers run. If one of them ran in a straight line, Chuck would say, “That one’s you. Intent on your destination. Focused.” If one of them ran to and fro, I would say, “That one is you. All in a panic, not quite knowing how to sit still.” “Hey!” He’d say, and we’d both laugh.

We’d hold hands. Breathe the salt air. Those were some of the best moments in my life.

Our relationship was rocky. Passionately rocky. Because of that, some people are under the impression that I should just snap out of it. Move on. Apparently I’m not fitting in with their concept of how this should be going. I’m not feeling the way I should feel or behaving the way I should behave.

But I know what our relationship was, and I know what it meant to us both. I know that Chuck loved me, and I know I loved him. We’d talk about it as we lay in bed, facing each other, whispering. How lucky we were. How much we meant to each other. We weren’t always together. But we always came back to each other. And we always had each other’s backs.

We went through a lot of really hard times together. Some of the lowest points in both of our lives. Very often he was there when no one else was. And I was there for him. And that meant everything to both of us. So I will mourn in my own way, to my own agenda, as I have every right to do.

I don’t know how this ceremony today is going to play out, and I don’t know how I’ll be received, but at some point I will walk out on our jetty, alone, and I will tell Chuck just how much he meant to me. And it won’t be the first time or the last.

I put this song on my digital recorder, and I will play it as I look out on the ocean. If you’re getting this blog via e-mail and don’t see the youtube link below, you can see it here.

ART GARFUNKEL
“All I Know”

(Jimmy Webb)

I bruise you, you bruise me
We both bruise too easily, too easily to let it show
I love you and that’s all I know.

All my plans have fallen through,
All my plans depend on you, depend on you to help them grow,
I love you and that’s all I know.

When the singer’s gone let the song go on…

But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast but they pass so slow,
I love you and that’s all I know.

When the singer’s gone, let the song go on,
It’s a fine line between the darkness and the dawn.
They say in the darkest night there’s a light beyond.

But the ending always comes at last,
Endings always come too fast,
They come too fast
But they pass so slow,
I love you, and that’s all I know.
That’s all I know, that’s all I know.

Things I Hope I Never Forget

The shock of having the person I loved most in the world die unexpectedly two weeks ago has taught me much.

Life is as fragile as a soap bubble. It could pop at any moment and that’s it. You’re done.
Because life is so fragile, it’s precious. You only get a little bit of it, so savor every single second.
Because it’s so precious, it is absurd to waste your time worrying about the little things over which you have absolutely no control.
Everything is a little thing, except for the people you love and the people who love you. Nothing else matters.
Nothing. Else. Matters.

I vaguely remember learning these same lessons when my mother died 23 years ago, but somewhere along the way I got caught back up in the minutiae of life and forgot these things. I hope I never do again. They’re important. They are the only things that really are important.

Once you start viewing life through this particular lens, all the petty crap and drama tends to fall by the wayside and things become really simple. Don’t take the people you love for granted. Appreciate everything and everyone that comes your way. But most of all, stop wasting time.

Live!

[Image credit: marian16rox.tumblr.com]

The Other Place

When my boyfriend, Chuck Guerra, passed away on Monday, it wasn’t the first time. He died several times on the table 25 years ago during brain surgery. So this time he knew exactly where he was going.

Naturally I was devastated. I still am. I can’t imagine a time when I won’t be. But at the same time I know he is at peace because he has gone to “the other place”. That’s what he always called it.

He told me all about the other place on several occasions. He said that when he was there he felt an unbelievable connection to every single person that he loved, both living and dead. There was no anger, no pain, no worry, no sadness, no fear, only joy and freedom and pure love.

He said that while he was there, he only had to think of a place and he would instantly be there. He could learn anything he wanted to learn and know anything he wanted to know. He said classes would always start just when you arrived, because time isn’t linear like it is here.

And he could talk to animals. He remembered playing with a giant dragonfly and a bear. Here, he was often visited by butterflies to an unusual degree, and he considered them messengers from the other place.

At the end of that visit 25 years ago, a man sat him down and said, “You can stay here if you want, or you can go back. It’s up to you. But I will tell you that you’re going to have this for all eternity. You only get a little bit of that.” So Chuck, having young children at the time, decided to come back. He loved them so much he felt he had to.

But he always missed the other place, and he said he wasn’t afraid of dying. He also looked at every day here on earth as a gift, and one that you only get a little bit of. He used to say, “You have been given a perfectly good day. What will you do with it?”

I feel lost without Chuck, but I know he doesn’t feel lost. He knows exactly where he is, and that place is good. Somewhere, he’s playing with giant dragonflies and knowing whatever he wants to know.

Rest in peace, my love. Breathe easy.

I leave you now with a poem that my dear cousin Karen shared with me.

Death is Nothing at All
By Henry Scott Holland

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well.

[Image credit: etsy.com]

I’ve got a Crush on You, Sweetie Pie

Here’s an interesting thought: at least once in your life, someone has had a crush on you and you didn’t even know it. You know how I know? Because I’m quite sure that every single person who is reading this has had a crush on someone at least once in their lives and has kept quiet about it, so you do the math.

Ah, to bathe in the deliciously warm and silky waters of a crush is like nothing else you will ever experience. For a brief shining moment in your life, you get to indulge in the sweet fantasy of positive possibilities. You get to imagine your future as a thing of perfection in which every touch, every word, every experience will be pure bliss. Colors appear more vibrant, everything tastes better, and you seem to dance down the street, your feet never quite touching the dirty pavement. When the object of your affection comes into view… paradise. What’s that you hear? A choir of angels singing. “Ahhhhhhhhh…”

I’ve had more than a few crushes in my lifetime, and I hold each one close to my heart like a precious jewel. It’s also why I never go to reunions. I don’t want the balding man with the beer gut in the ill-fitting polyester suit to take the sparkle off my sapphire.

Crushes can run their course and fade away, or they can lead to a rude awakening when you discover him in the supply room with Becky Maplebottom. (I don’t want to talk about it.) They can lead to humiliating rejection, or they can turn into sweet agony and endure for decades. On the other hand, if they become obsessions and enter the realm of stalking, then you need to be in a rubber room.

The only sad thing about crushes is that when kept in the closet, they also represent potential that was never realized. Being vulnerable is scary, but if you don’t take a deep breath and speak up, for crying out loud, you’ll never know what you might be missing.

I’d like to think that for every contented couple out there, there was once a delightful crush that ended in a breathless mutual admission. And I’ll make that the happy ending to this story. Because I can.

I shall leave you now with the dulcet tones of Frank Sinatra. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtH02InlKP4 )

“Love Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry.”

That’s a quote from the movie Love Story, and after that movie came out in 1970, you saw it everywhere. I mean everywhere. It’s one of the top movie quotes of all time, and because of that, I think Erich Segal did us all a great disservice.

I mean, give me a break. If you truly love someone, you ought to have the courage to say you’re sorry when you screw up. Because you will screw up. Everyone does, sooner or later. You should say you’re sorry as often as necessary, and be sincere about it when you do. Love should not be an excuse for being a dick.

So many people in this world think it’s a blow to their ego to apologize or admit they’re wrong. In fact, being able to do so demonstrates one’s decency and respect for the other person. Admitting that you’re human and that you make mistakes shows maturity and emotional intelligence.

Being unwilling to say you’re sorry when it’s called for reveals that you are an emotionally stunted child, and perhaps you are not capable of holding up your end of a relationship and shouldn’t be in one. My mother used to say “When you make a mistake, try to fix it, but if you can’t, then own up to it.” I couldn’t agree more.

Saying you’re sorry is never fun, but it’s necessary for growth and to avoid festering resentment that will ultimately destroy the love that is there. Saying you’re sorry means you’re more interested in making amends than you are in winning, and thus causing your partner to lose. People who can’t or won’t say it really are incapable of any healthy form of love.

A better quote would be, “Love means having the guts to say you’re sorry.” Or even better, “Love means doing the best you can to never have a reason to say you’re sorry, but saying you’re sorry when you do have good reason.” Okay, so it’s not as catchy. So sue me. Er… I’m sorry.

Words of Encouragement and Emotional Support

I was just talking to a friend of mine and she told me a story. When her husband was in hospice, his mother would talk to him on the phone but would never tell him she loved him. In fact, in the 60 years he had been on the planet, she had never told him. Not even once.

One day after one of those phone calls, which the son ended by saying, “I love you, Mom”, and the mother ended by saying “Bye”, my friend went barging into her mother-in-law’s room and said, “What is WRONG with you? Why can’t you tell your own son that you love him?”

She replied, “He knows I love him.”

“No, Mom, actually, he doesn’t. He’s your only child and he’s dying. You should be rocking him in your arms. You should be telling him that you love him. You should be telling him you are proud of him. The fact that you aren’t doing so just shows what a cruel and heartless old shrew you are.”

The woman didn’t say a word. She stayed in her room the rest of the evening and then went to sleep. The next day she woke up and called her son and told him she loved him. And she did so every day for the next several weeks until he finally died. And it meant everything to him. It’s all he had ever wanted from her.

This is not an isolated incident. There are a lot of people out there who think that their actions are enough, that they don’t have to reinforce them with words. Yes, that man’s mother had fed him and clothed him and sent him off to school and made him chicken soup when he had a cold. Yes, those are forms of love. She never neglected his needs and she wasn’t physically abusive toward him, and he turned out to be a good person. Maybe that should be enough.

But why is it so hard to add just one more simple thing to the mix, the one thing that costs not one penny, and takes no physical effort at all? Words of encouragement. Words of support. Confirmation of love.

Here are some words that are worth more than gold, that I, personally, have longed to hear on more than one occasion:

I admire you.
I have faith in you. Don’t give up.
I’m proud of the life that you live.
I love you so much.
You are my favorite person on earth.
You have always been there for me. Thank you.
I want to be just like you when I grow up.
You are doing a good job.
I’m so glad you are a part of my life.
Thank you for all you’ve done. I know it hasn’t been easy.
I’m a better person for having known you.
I think of you often, and I smile.
I appreciate all that you do.
You can do it.
I’m proud to be seen with you.
I like your style.
You are a good person.
I always look forward to seeing you.
You mean the world to me.
You make a difference in my life.
Thank you for everything you’ve taught me. It hasn’t gone unnoticed.

If you just chose one of these phrases a day and said it to someone who is a part of your life, whether it be a friend, a relative, a neighbor or a coworker, it would take less than 3 seconds of your time, but you would see a positive change in your relationships.

So the next time you feel the urge to tease someone or take them for granted, try this instead. The next time you feel the urge to close yourself off or withhold affection, try this instead. The next time you THINK something positive but don’t have the courage to share it, try this instead. The next time you say something nice ABOUT someone but not TO them, try this instead. Think of it as an experiment if you must. It might feel awkward at first, and it may make you feel vulnerable, but it will be the best thing you’ve ever done in your life, and you’ll be amazed at the positive feedback you’ll receive.

You can do it. I have faith in you.

[Image credit: booooooom.com]

“We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve”

That is one of the main messages in the movie The Perks of Being a Wallflower, and it really hits home for me.

My whole life, I’ve had a problem with boundaries, or, actually, a lack of boundaries. In essence, I’ve allowed people to step all over me because I was obsessed with being a nice person. Even if someone was unspeakably rude to me, I was never rude back, and I certainly didn’t call them on their behavior. I’ve allowed myself to be ripped off, stepped on, and emotionally abused. As a child in school, when I was bullied or beaten up, I never fought back. I’ve always found it amazingly difficult to say, “No,” “Go away,” “Leave me alone,” or “F*** off.” In short, I’ve taken massive amounts of crap in my lifetime because if people see an opportunity to take advantage, they will do so, and I practically had “WELCOME” tattooed on my forehead.

This lack of boundaries goes hand in glove with accepting the love we think we deserve, because when your borders are kind of fuzzy, you begin to think you deserve the intrusions you suffer as a result.

Ah, but the universe is a wonderful teacher, is it not? It often seems as though the very type of person who needs to be put in your path so that you might learn and grow will be dropped there like an obstructive boulder, and you will be forced to go over, under, around or through that person to get to the other side.

I have to say that being in a relationship with someone with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder can be brutal and devastating, but it can also be an opportunity for growth like no other. When someone in your life knows how to push your buttons and doesn’t hesitate to do so, you learn exactly what your buttons are, and that gives you the opportunity to explore the reason behind those buttons. That can be quite useful.

When you are essentially living with a big old bully, you either learn to stick up for yourself or you cave in under the pressure. I decided to stick up for myself. And now, I must say, I don’t take crap from anyone. I am a woman of steel.

At first I was a little militant about it, a little rigid. I can see how it would have been easy to become a bully myself. But with time I learned to tone it down, and now I don’t push, but neither do I allow intrusions on my boundaries. I’m not afraid to establish my very reasonable rules, and if someone doesn’t like those rules, well, there are plenty of other people out there to play the game with.

The other day one of my coworkers said that she needed me to go through all our grocery bags that we use for trash bags and throw out the ones that had holes. Five years ago I might have done it. I’d have resented it, but I’d probably have done it. On this day, though, I just looked her square in the eye and said, “Uh…no. If you have a problem with bags with holes in them, simply throw them out when you come across one.” And that was that. It was a little thing, but for me it was a triumph, and a hard-won triumph at that.

But all this boundary drawing has had a delightful effect. Many of the people I love are actually behaving much more courteously, and it actually seems like it’s a relief not only to me, but to them as well. People actually like to know where the limits are. It makes it that much easier to travel through life without bumping into stuff. And having boundaries of your own teaches you to respect those of others as well.

So the trick is to determine the kind of love you want, and better yet, the love you don’t want, and then apply the restrictions accordingly, and you’ll be amazed how well your personal frontiers will be respected.

Peace in the kingdom. Maybe it’s not that hard after all.

How Do You See Love?

I just finished reading Home to Big Stone Gap by Adriana Trigiani. Like many of her novels, it takes place in the mountains of Virginia. I have always wanted to live in those mountains, but fate seems to have eluded me in my efforts, so I figure I can at least read about them every chance I get. And Trigiani, having grown up in that area, seems to capture the essence of the land and its people better than any other writer I can think of.

One of the things she mentioned in this book is that people view love and romance differently. To quote directly from the book:

“She believed romance was a birthright, that the search for true love was mandatory, and that, ultimately, life was downright sad without it. I always looked at romance as though it were an extra, and only if a woman was lucky would she find her happiness.”

Up until that moment, I had never really given the topic that much thought, but it does seem that people treat romance as though it were some sort of creature with a distinct personality, and each person’s “creature” is in a class by itself.

I’ve seen some people pursue it like it’s an animal to be hunted down and shot, and those unfortunates are usually destined to a life of loneliness.

Others ignore it, and let it come to them. They seem to find love in spite of themselves.

As for me, I look at it as if this love creature were a precious gift. Some people get it, some people don’t. And when you do get it, it should be cherished, lest it be taken away. This gift may come in a form that you hadn’t anticipated. It could be a different animal entirely from what you had imagined, so you have to approach it with an open mind.

Some people are lucky enough to receive this gift several times in the course of their lives. Others only experience it once or not at all. Rightly or wrongly, I feel that it’s often out of our control. Oh, you can coax it toward you, you can offer it a comfortable place to stay, but only it can decide whether or not to stick around.

How do you see love?

[Image credit: Today.com]

Why are Dogs Man’s Best Friend?

As I write this, snuggled up beside me is my best friend, Devo. As he snores gently, I contemplate the things we have in common. Neither of us is pure bred by any stretch of the imagination. We’re always happy to see each other. We both struggle with our weight. We love to take naps and we love to cuddle.

Obviously there are tons of things that we don’t have in common, such as the fact that if this inter-species love affair were ever to end, he could most likely kill me with very little effort at all. But neither of us is willing to go there, thank heavens.

And perhaps most ironically of all, if he were human, we probably wouldn’t be friends. I’d find him too clingy, too needy, too eager to please. I’d consider him rather boring. All he’d want to talk about, I’m sure, is food. And he’d talk a lot, no doubt. His enthusiasm and positive outlook, even when first waking up in the morning, would probably wear on my nerves. His two second attention span would remind me of an ex-boyfriend who had the worst case of ADHD I’d ever seen, and he’d probably constantly try to talk me into jogging. Bleh.

Then there’s the fact that every time he had control of the remote, he’d want to watch Animal Planet. Give me strength.

It’s funny how the very things I’d find annoying in a human are actually quite appealing in a dog. That’s why I’m so glad that dogs exist. They’ve taught me that you don’t have to question or judge or have expectations. All you have to do is love.

Oh, and it never hurts to have someone in your life who brings out the very best in you.

So I’ll scratch Devo’s head, he’ll snuggle even closer, and we’ll both drift off to sleep.

Devo