It’s Never Too Late to Relearn a Lesson

Emotional evolution is not a linear process.

I’ve written so many blog posts that I have to maintain a spreadsheet to keep track of them all. I sometimes notice posts on that spreadsheet that I’ve forgotten all about. Did I write it well? Does the present me agree with what the past me has said? Even if my blog posts are cast in stone, more or less, I am not. Pardon my gigantic ego, but it can be fascinating to read my own writing from a whole new perspective.

Case in point, the following blog post, which I wrote back in 2015. It’s full of sage advice, that, thankfully, I still agree with. So much so, in fact, that this post found its way into my book.

From the sound of it, it seems that I really believed at the time that I had mastered all those lessons. The present me wonders if I was ever really that evolved, and if so, what has happened in the interim? At the moment, it’s all I can do to do the best that I can.

Based on personal experience, some lessons need to be learned repeatedly. So thank you, 50-year-old me, for reminding me that emotional evolution is not a linear process. There’s always work to be done. But if that weren’t the case, if every lesson glomed onto you like a barnacle to a pier post, all of us would “arrive” at enlightenment eventually.

And then what? Universal enlightenment sounds boring to me. It leaves no room for growth. So here’s another lesson for you, Dear Reader: It’s not the destination. It’s the journey.

Namaste.

Lessons I Should Have Learned Way Before Age 50

Original post: August 13, 2015

This has been a year of great change and great learning for me. I’m starting completely over at 50, and that creates a unique set of challenges. It also allows for a unique set of insights. Here are a few things that I’m finally starting to figure out this year that I wish I had understood a long time ago.

Not everyone is going to like your pets as much as you do. This was a hard lesson for me to accept, because I know for a fact that I have the best two dogs on earth, but hey, what are you going to do?
You can’t force people to like you. It would be great to get along with everyone, but some people just aren’t going to like you. They may have made that decision before even meeting you. They may genuinely find you irritating. Or there may be some negative chemistry going on that defies explanation that neither of you can do anything about. Oh well.
You can’t convince people to love you. People will either love you or they won’t. Behaving differently or trying to act charming won’t change that. So stop worrying about it. Let whatever happens happen.
There’s no point in worrying about what other people think. In fact, it’s quite liberating when you stop caring. I’m not saying you should throw the Golden Rule out the window. I’m just saying you shouldn’t twist yourself into a pretzel to obtain some stamp of approval that you may or may not get.
You’re most likely not going to radically change in the most fundamental ways. I’ve always had this fantasy that I’d become this person who dressed in artsy clothes and wore a long thick braid over my shoulder. Yeah, I could do that, but the truth is, I’m too lazy to invest in clothes and I’m a wash and wear hair kind of girl. And that’s okay.
People may want you to change, but that’s their problem. I have wasted a lot of time feeling guilty that I haven’t lost the weight other people want me to lose, or been this outgoing social butterfly who likes to join groups. But you know, screw it. Screw them. I’m me.
Rules are made to be broken. The older you get, the more you can get away with. Take advantage of that. It’s fun.
It’s great to learn from other people’s mistakes. Let someone else do the heavy lifting for a change.
Just because you’re craving something doesn’t mean you should eat it. As time goes on, more food disagrees with me. I may want that meatball sub, but I know I’ll regret it. That’s not going to change.
Take chances. If there is something that can change, and you want it to, you’re going to have to take risks. If you don’t, you’ll gather dust. What a waste of life!
Don’t let others decide what is important to you. Your priorities for my life do not automatically constitute my game plan for my life.
People love it when you’re curious about their lives. Pull your head out of your behind and ask questions about others. They’ll enjoy being in the place of expertise, and you might just learn something.
Never stop learning. Read. Discuss. Travel. Ask questions. Be okay with the fact that you don’t know everything. Then life will always be an adventure.
Look in the opposite direction every once in a while. I’ve discovered that when going about my daily routine, I tend to look at the same things. But there’s stuff behind you, and to the left of you, and even overhead, that you may not have noticed before. And often it’s beautiful.
Get over yourself. If you’re holding on to old baggage or regrets or disappointments, what does that achieve?
You only have so much energy. Don’t waste it on stupid shit. It’s okay to not participate in the drama or tolerate the crap. In fact, when you draw firm boundaries, not only does it reduce your stress, but others usually wind up appreciating it, too.
It’s easier to live without secrets. I was living with a doozie for a while there, and when I finally admitted it to my friends and family, it turns out that they didn’t care! I spent so much energy and time guarding that stupid secret that I could have used on something else that was more productive. Just get it out there.
It is so much fun to be able to laugh at yourself. Be silly. Delight yourself. Have fun. Don’t take yourself so freakin’ seriously. Life’s too short.

I Want “Hension”

There’s apprehension, there’s comprehension, there’s even prehension. All of these words relate to a form of understanding, of “getting it”. (And perhaps, in the case of apprehension, being worried about it because you get it.)

It occurs to me (I really do have too much time on my hands) that this state of enlightenment is probably the most valuable state to be in. When it eludes me, I feel very unsettled. I spend an enormous amount of time trying to understand things.

In other words, I want hension. But, ironically, this suffix is not a word in and of itself. I’ve looked everywhere.

Isn’t that strange? Here’s this priceless commodity, one that many people spend their entire lives seeking, and technically, it doesn’t exist. Maybe some day it will be in the Oxford English Dictionary, and my humble little blog will be credited with its origination. In the mean time, though, we are left with no ability to achieve hension, or at the very least, no way to describe it when we’re there.

My head hurts.

Apprehension

[ap-ri-hen-shuh n]

noun

anticipation of adversity or misfortune; suspicion or fear of future trouble or evil.
the faculty or act of apprehending or understanding; perception on a direct and immediate level.
acceptance of or receptivity to information without passing judgment on its validity, often without complete comprehension.
a view,opinion, or idea on any subject.
the act of arresting; seizure:

comprehension

[kom-pri-hen-shuh n]

noun

the act or process of comprehending.
the state of being comprehended.
perception or understanding:
capacity of the mind to perceive and understand; power to grasp ideas; ability to know.

prehension

[pri-hen-shuh n]

noun

1. the act of seizing or grasping.

2. mental apprehension.

cartoon-light-bulb-17648518

On Being Enlightened by a Guru

Once upon a time I was a freelance editor. I suppose I still am, technically. I just haven’t pursued work in that arena for quite some time. I enjoyed it, yes, but mainly did it to keep the wolves from the door. The wolves are still out there, but my door is a little more solid these days.

Anyway, early on I was approached by an owner of an independent press to edit a new age book about enlightenment. The author, basically, felt that he was enlightened and had written a book so that others could reach that same state. He claimed to be “beyond ego”, and yet he felt he had all the answers. The book was basically one long conversation with a woman who was seeking enlightenment, but apparently was going about it the wrong way. The author spent the entire time explaining how wrong she was and how his way was the only correct way.

About halfway through our professional relationship, the owner of the press asked me my honest opinion about the book. It’s never a good idea to ask my honest opinion, because I’ll most definitely give it to you. So I told him that the guy came off as arrogant, egotistical and full of himself, and I therefore found it impossible to take him seriously.

That’s when I found out the owner had written the book himself under a pseudonym. I was mortified. My opinion hadn’t changed, but I was still mortified. And I was also politely told that clearly I didn’t have much experience with new age books, because that was simply “how it was done”.

I wasn’t fired, but he certainly didn’t thank me in his acknowledgements. Actually, he thanked no one. I don’t suppose it would do to admit that you needed any form of help or support if you are supposed to have all the answers.

What did I learn from this experience? From that day forward I couldn’t take any new age book seriously. I think it’s natural to seek answers and attempt to improve our lives, but I’ve never personally known anyone whose life was completely transformed by reading a book. Even followers of the most widely accepted religious tomes are inherently flawed.

It’s good to expose yourself to other philosophies, it’s great to be inspired by others, but it’s rather insane to think that one person writing one book is going to solve all your problems. Life just doesn’t work that way.

The world is full of gurus. I would like to think that many of them are sincere, albeit overly confident. Others see the weakness in people and decide to profit off of it. Either way, you should always maintain a healthy skepticism.

I sincerely believe that there are many paths, and each of us has to find our own, and while you may meet a lot of people who can impart wisdom to you on your journey, to fixate on just one is pure folly. Travel with caution.

[Image credit: imgkid.com]

On Being a Fish Out of Water

Not fitting in or being uncomfortable is what the expression “like a fish out of water” means. That’s a pity, because if you think about it, a fish out of water is experiencing the ultimate form of enlightenment. If you’ve been in water your entire life, you don’t really realize you’re in water, do you? I mean, on some level you must, but you don’t know what it’s truly like until you’ve jumped out of it.

I discovered that on a small scale recently when I moved from one rental place to another. I knew I had been unhappy where I was for some time, but I didn’t fully comprehend what a negative effect that place was having on me until I got out of there. It was definitely just what the doctor ordered. I’ve had that feeling when I’ve quit a toxic job or ended a toxic relationship, too.

Now that I no longer have a completely crazy landlady and her ex-convict son living on the other side of my living room wall, I can breathe. Now that I don’t have to step over his cigarette butts and deal with the god-awful stench of their overly hoarded garage, I feel much better. Now that my dogs don’t get fed whatever crap they have as leftovers when I’m not looking, and don’t have to wend their way among the ever-increasing debris in their back yard to do their business, they feel better, too. Now that I’m not being constantly watched to see when I come and go and with whom, and how often I use my air conditioner, I can relax and feel like an adult in my own home again.

By the standard definition, I guess you could say I was a fish out of water at the old place. But if you look at it as a form of enlightenment, then I am a fish out of water now, and it feels really good. I will never take a comfortable living situation for granted again. If that knowledge is what comes from jumping out of my comfort zone and exploring the possibilities that come with change, then this is one fish who hopes to do it on a regular basis.

On Being a Unitarian Universalist

For most of my life I was without a spiritual home. My mother was a member of the Congregational Church, but I can only remember setting foot inside one a handful of times as a child. As devout as she was, as a single working mother her time and energy were limited. I remember her trying to get me to go to Sunday school one cold Connecticut winter day, and we walked about a block and then turned back. It was too cold and I was too resistant to the idea. I think my mother gave up on the concept for me at that point.

Even with my limited experience with Christianity, I knew it wasn’t a good fit for me. It just never felt right. It didn’t feel logical or like a valid part of my everyday life. It always seemed out of date and based on the knowledge of the world as it was 2000 years ago. We know so much more now. What did the words of Jesus, however wise they might have been, have to do with a world in which we’ve walked on the moon and can talk instantly to someone on the other side of the planet?

That’s the thing, though. In many religions, including Christianity, I do find pearls of wisdom. In many ways that only adds to my confusion, because I’ve also seen the dark side of religion. The intolerance. So many religions assume that theirs is the only way to salvation. If you don’t believe exactly as they do, then you’re not one of the chosen, and you’re going to hell.

I can’t subscribe to the notion that a Bushman of the Kalahari, for example, who follows the religion of his parents, is condemned to hell by virtue of the fact that he was born in the “wrong” place, to the “wrong” people. I just can’t buy it. And if it is true, it’s not something I want to be a part of.

Why does my spiritual path have to be the only right one in order for it to be valid? That seems too simplistic to me. There’s too much variation in nature for there to be no room for a variation in philosophy.

So I cast about aimlessly for many years, feeling kind of alone in the wilderness, until finally I found Unitarian Universalism. In this conservative religious world of ours, I find a liberal, all-inclusive church to be a refreshing change indeed. The UU Church believes, as I do, that there are many paths to the divine. On any given Sunday you might find yourself amongst UU Humanists, UU Christians, UU Pagans, UU you-name-it-they’ve-got-it.

For me, most of all, Unitarian Universalism seems to be a place where people who have experienced mainstream religion and have been turned off by it, but still want community and fellowship, can find a home.

And lest you think we’re some lunatic fringe group, here are some Unitarians, Universalists, and UUs you may have heard of:

Presidents Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Millard Fillmore, and William Howard Taft
Writers Louisa May Alcott, Charles Dickens, Horace Greeley, Ethan Allen, Kurt Vonnegut, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Ray Bradbury, Margaret Sutton, Herman Melville, E.E. Cummings, Margaret Fuller, and William Carlos Williams
Other recognizable names include Paul Newman, Rod Serling, Adlai Stevenson, Linus Pauling, Paul Revere, Arthur Schlesinger, Albert Schweitzer, Daniel Webster, Pete Seeger, Frank Lloyd Wright, Neville Chamberlain, and Clara Barton

So what is a typical service like? There isn’t one, really. We often discuss various religious philosophies, cares and concerns, current events, or basic concepts about everyday living. Here’s a list of topics that were discussed in various UU churches recently:

The Communion of Life: Climate Change and the Unitarian Universalist Response
How Do We Know?
The Neurobiology of Compassion
The Road Not Taken
Moderation and Balance: An Islamic Perspective
America’s Religious Experiment
The Origin of Love
Questioning
A Glimpse Into the Heart of Terror
Joining the Drum Circle: Ancient Rites
Celebrating Community
Ground Hogs, Possums, and Mockingbirds. Reflections on the human need for control and certainty in a world where there is little of either.
Effective Altruism: Saving Lives from the Comfort of your Desktop
The Hidden Face of the Divine Feminine
The Adventure of Forgiveness
Lies My Government Told Me About Immigration

One thing that can be quite disconcerting about a UU Church is that rather than adhering to one dogma or creed, rather than being expected to conform or walk in lockstep with all the people around you, we UUs can’t seem to agree on ANYTHING. But the beauty is that we respect each other’s right to disagree. Here is something we all agree on, however. The seven UU Principles.

The inherent worth and dignity of every person.
Justice, equity and compassion in human relations.
Acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations.
A free and responsible search for truth and meaning.
The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large.
The goal of world community with peace, liberty, and justice for all.
Respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.

Because most Unitarian Universalists find it unpalatable to recruit people, or risk being perceived as trying to convince people to change their ways, you won’t hear much about our religion. Not from us, anyway. We are loathe to cram anything down your throat. But you are always welcome to come to a service and form your own opinion. To find a congregation near you, go here.

You’re so Easy to Dislike

My former yoga instructor is a very profound woman. She has a fantastic blog of her own called “in·spi·ra·tion” which I highly recommend. If you can get past the colorful language which I find hilarious but others might find offensive, and the crunchy granola-isms, you’ll discover that she imparts a great deal of wisdom.

One of the things she used to say in class (and I’m totally paraphrasing here, so forgive me, Alicia, if I don’t get it completely right) is that the people who get on your nerves, the ones who piss you off or even scare you are the very ones who are put in your path so you can learn something about yourself and see yourself more clearly. She says that you should actually seek these people out if you want enlightenment.

Once you get into the habit of seeing annoying people as opportunities rather than irritants, it really alters your worldview. Sometimes I even find myself inwardly amused rather than inwardly screaming. Sometimes.

One of the things that I find most annoying is when I’m not being taken seriously. That is exactly the way to make me see blood red, in case you ever feel the need. For example, the other day I wrote a blog about acupuncture and someone actually said that I wasn’t being cured by these treatments, I was in fact being ripped off. As if I weren’t there. As if I weren’t capable of noticing that when I went into the office I had a certain set of chronic symptoms, and when I left they were gone, never to return. As if I were some stupid, gullible, highly suggestible person who couldn’t possibly be trusted to make my own decisions about my health. As if I needed to be saved from myself and this guy was the one to do it.

So now it falls to me to ask myself exactly why this doofus rubbed me the wrong way. What am I supposed to be learning from him? Am I really that insecure? One of the things I’m most confident about in life is my own intelligence. Is it a throwback from my childhood? I definitely was not taken seriously back then. No doubt about it. But then most children aren’t. Maybe it triggers my post traumatic stress from my childhood abuse at the hands of my stepfather. I definitely don’t respond well when people in positions of authority do not have my best interests at heart. But this fool is in no way an authority figure over me. Was I just over tired? Perpetually.

Maybe he was just one more reminder that I need to, and in fact have every right to, define my boundaries. (A psychologist friend of mine once told me I needed to work on that.) I had been putting up with this particular person’s disdainful comments for a long time. Probably a lot longer than the average person would have. I was participating in my own victimization. I pride myself in entertaining opposing viewpoints, but it was getting to the point where I no longer enjoyed this blog. My blog.

There comes a time when one has to say enough is enough. There comes a time when saying “this far and no farther” is entirely appropriate. I arrived at that point, and I did what I had to do, which was to eject him from my personal corner of the blogosphere. I feel good about raising my drawbridge, so to speak, and leaving him on the far side of the moat.

Is this the same as saying “End of Discussion” as I wrote about earlier, and as he so artfully threw in my face as his parting shot? No. End of Discussion is a tool that weak minded people use to try to shut down and control the people in their lives whom they claim to care about. I don’t care about this person and never did. No. Closing this guy out was more akin to using bug spray on a poisonous spider. You can love nature without wanting to risk your life over it. I have every right to repel poison when it is directed at me.

So thank you, annoying person, for that lesson! Now, kindly get out and stay out.

Image credit: http://society6.com/product/go-away-tWS_Print?tag=typography

Thirsty for Knowledge?

My God, why isn’t everybody doing this? There are lectures out there by experts, on every subject in the known universe, and they’re FREE. They’re called TED talks, which stands for Technology, Entertainment and Design. And I’ve yet to come across one that wasn’t a pleasure to watch.

Who needs higher education? You can learn everything you need to know while playing FreeCell on your laptop. When I think of how people have sacrificed everything for education, how knowledge is, theoretically, power, and how money is so often the impediment to advancement, I want to scream TEEEEEED!

I’ll be watching you. I’ll know if you’ve clicked through to the link above. So what’s it going to be? Ignorance or enlightenment? Come on, people! Join me as I sip from the font of all human erudition!

This is what you get when you type “font” into Google Images, thus proving that Google is NOT the font of all knowledge.

My Crunchy Granola Epiphany

Last night at about 4 a.m., alone at work and struggling to stay awake, I had an epiphany, and now I’m looking at the world in an entirely different way. Before I present you with my concept, let me say that I’m quite sure this theory didn’t originate with me. There are plenty of crunchy granola new-agey types out there who no doubt have come to the same or similar conclusions. And how’s this for a revelation: my philosophy doesn’t even have to be true for it to have a positive impact on me. Awesome.

I’m calling it Net Theory, and it’s deceptively simple: Everything is connected. All of us are one. From what little I understand about Quantum Theory, I’m fairly certain that it supports this notion. On a sub-atomic level, we’re all a part of one big, uh….thing. We’re bathing in a sea of light waves. There is really no place where I end and you begin.

And once you accept this idea, the way you perceive the universe changes. For example, I’m not as irritated by obnoxious people. I’m just grateful that they are performing this role instead of me. I’m not jealous of people who are more successful than I am, because their success is a reflection of the healthy part of this great net. Politics seem even sillier if that’s possible. It’s just one side of us disagreeing with the other side of us, and whoever comes out on top, well, it’s still us. Prejudice seems absurd, as does war, violence, cruelty, selfishness, pollution, road rage, even petty grudges, because it’s all negative energy directed at the great net of which we are all a part. In other words, it’s self-destructive. I suspect that moving forward, I won’t be as bothered by boredom, because I’ll know that somewhere something interesting is happening. I won’t resent work, because it’s part of what needs to be done.

Charity will seem like a way to be good to myself, as will sex and learning. Religion makes much more sense, because it seems like someone must be keeping this massive organism, for lack of a better word, on track.

Eating, I was musing on the way in to work tonight, is kind of problematic. Am I eating myself? Yuck! But then, why not? It is the gift I give to myself to maintain life. That’s actually beautiful, if you ask me. It’s kind of like the last supper writ large. It sure makes me want to avoid junk food, though.

And the more I get into this concept, the less I am afraid of dying, because now more than ever I can believe that I’ll still be a part of this great interconnectedness that is all of us and everything. I can’t imagine anything more comforting than that.